I knew it would happen.
I knew by the way he licked his lips when he looked at me
I knew by the way he laughed when I said I trusted him
I knew by the way he threw acid tabs and fireball in my face when we got back to his house
I knew by the way he locked his scratched door and turned the volume on his flatscreen up high.
Most of all though I knew by the way he crawled over my body while my guard was low,
pinned me down,
wrapped his hands around my throat,
Shoved his fingers in my mouth,
and told me not to make any noise because his parents were asleep.
I knew he was gonna r*** me that night.
And i think i hated myself just enough not to slit his f****** throat with the knife I had in my bra
For tearing me in half
For making my body the scene of a crime
For making me cry everytime i hear the song God’s Plan because that was blasting from the tv when he shoved as many f****** fingers as he could get inside me
For putting me back in the mental hospital full of pills and screaming and slit wrists and thousand dollar bills for my parents
For threatening me with a switchblade if i went to the police
For making Electric Forest not safe for me anymore because I know he’ll be looking for me in the crowd next year
For mocking my cries as I fought for my life
For the r*** kits and s*** lying police and nightmares and suicide plans and drugs and flashbacks and meltdowns and bite marks and addictions and self loathing
For the fact that my entire existence now is just the scream i never let out when he had both f****** hands around my throat
For his body forcing mine open from the inside out, while I was so intoxicated and short of breath it took everything i f****** had just to say the word “stop.”
I wish I had killed him.
God, I wish I had killed him

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