• 6 years ago
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My life is really fucked up, and i dont really know why im writing this… I guess its too get some closure because i cant deal with being silent. So if you want to hear my story, hear goes nothing

Im a female and im 15 years old. I had a pretty normal life when i was young or at least for the sort time i was allowed to be a kid. I was constantly bullied by my brother at home for some reason. There wasn’t any other kids in my neighbourhood that i could hang out with except the boy who lived across the street, but he and my brother we’re friends and they were about the same age. So as a child i hung out with them. The boy who hung out with my brother (lets just call him jeff for now) became good friends and i didn’t want to be lonely so i joined them whenever they played. Jeff never did like me and always tryd to hurt me but he always call it “accidents”. My brother did the same thing.

My brother never stayed with the family on my birthday, he always wnt to his real dad (long story short his dad abused my mom and they eventually got devoured and he never hurt my brother just btw. My mom then found my dad and thats why im here). And my dad and mom weren’t in a good place ether (dont get me wrong he never phissicly hurt her. He’s just not a very attentive person and we all know that hes cheating but that part comes later in the story). So when i was about 6 or 7 my brother went to his dad for a while and i was in a aftercare at that time. I wasn’t very social at that time so my mom decided that it would be good to send Jeff with me so i wouldn’t be so lonely. The first 4 days were normal and i noticed that Jeff was taking to a other girl in the aftercare but didn’t think anything of it. The next time i went to that place with Jeff he called me to the jungle gym. The top part of it where the slide connected and thear was a platform to stand /sit on. The whole part of that part of the jungle gym was covered in blankets that was laying in the yard. It wasn’t uncommon to see it covered because all the kids did that and played games. (Ps i was about 6 or 7 when this next part happened and Jeff was 14 or 15)

He and this girl called me to the judge gym. When i got up there and sat down they told me that i had to do everything they said or they would tell bad lies to the teacher and then i would get in trouble. So i did everything they said. They made me do terrible things and they did terrible things to me. Thats how i got groomed, and that kept on for a week,iy started of with small stuff but it just got more and more. He never went all the way with me for that week.

The week after that he came over because our mom’s were also friends so they talked together and were doing whatever. We went to my trampoline (it’s one of those that’s in the ground) we played spin the bottle and well we eventually ended up under the trampoline and well that’s the first time he raped me.

The week came and i had to go back to aftercare and that week is a blur to me but i know i they did horrible stuff to me since Jeff already crossed that line so they basically had full control over me

That weekend my brother came back and well they didn’t hang out that much anymore because jeff distended himself and me well i was broken. It was so hard for me a fuckking 6 year old to pick up my broken pieces and trying to put it back together without any help… That year i picked up soooooo much weight and i was scared of guy’s and i became extremely antisocial. Its was hard for me to deal with it
But i found a way to survive all of it. And that way was to forget. Somhow i forgot about it but i was still scared of guy’s.

I forgot everything for years. I even had a couple of relationships but i always got depressed after the first week and i never knew why

I can’t remember when i remembered but i know it was in 7th grade about the time i ended the year. All i can clearly remember is that i cried myself asleep for a week(by this time jeff moved away and I’ve never seen him since)

I had to learn to hide my feelings because i had and i guess still have this thought saying to me that “no one could know”
And so i forsed it down and every time I want to cry i would find anything to distract me or push it down. And thats where i found the Internet. I drowned myself in videos so i could forget about depression, the thoughts, the memories …

I eventually got into a really good high-school and that’s how i met my 2 best friends. I remember go to a youth group one fryday even though im a atheists, i messaged them and i came out and told them i was raped. They were the first people to ever know that they helped me with it and since then we have been leaning on each other with our problems and we helped each other.

I was happy in a way but i knew that it was too good to be true. The depression didn’t go away for a long while up until December 2017 to January 2018. That was the first time i was fully happy. But sadly it was only for those 2 months

It came back… Even worse from the other time

And to + with the depression my parents told me they are officially splitting up and with the depression that came back and memories or the r***, i now have flashbacks witch is basically the feeling as if your back in the situation and i can feel and even smell everything that was done oh yes and in the same month my nice grandmother has something that is basically as good as lung cancer and she is getting alzheimer’s
How do i know this? She called me the other day to wish me a early happy birthday… My birthday was a month ago and she was there with us all, she even wished me happy birthday on that day (she always told me story’s of her life and most of it was really funny and thats how we bonded shes not going to remember any of it)

To top it all off i feel like im a failure and it feels like no one will ever love me and I’ll be lonely till the day i die, wich to be honest i know its not going to be much longer anymore
Im going to shatter and i dont know of i can fix it this time… And to be honest i dont think i want to fix it

I just want to go away
Amd the really sad thing is that i haven’t even scratched the suffice of my problems

All Comments

  • Did he actually rape you? Like vaginal penetration?

    Anonymous July 27, 2018 8:50 pm Reply
  • About the 15 year old with rape in her past.Only God can heal such a deep down wound.Don’t expect anyone too.Only you can face it now with the Lord and hopefully a counselor who knows God,who walks with Him everyday or anyone like that.Most of all I’m 44 I DIDN’T face my issues until now!If you ignore it WILL NEVER GO AWAY and rob you of good potential relationships.Ask Him to guide you help you know where to start and who to trust.I promise HE will if you ask sincerly.I have a relationship with Him and he answers.I feel better now but there are still difficult moments but he pushes me through.He’ll do the same for you young lady.God bless you dear.www.ChurchofGodMinistryofJesusChristInternational.com

    Anonymous July 28, 2018 2:46 am Reply
    • Thank you for your comment, i appreciate it. But i dont believe in god because how can i believe in someone that let that let me down soo many times and let that happen to me and let a lot of other horrible things happen to other innocent people.

      But thank you again ?

      Anonymous July 28, 2018 5:17 pm Reply

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