PEOPLE OF COLOR, READ WITH CAUTION, THIS MAY PAIN YOU AND IM SORRY
so…. i just learned there isnt a “right” way or identity to be white and anti racist, like in the article saying its an oxymoron. I have to r e a l l y sit with this. Us whites are so quick to be confident in doing the “right” thing and then be on our way, convinced were doing perfectly. There is no doing perfectly and we cannot escape our whiteness. Were never gonna be doing enough and were only doing this to minimize harm done to people of color by us. This doesnt mean we need to stop doing what were doing. Just to question our intentions and feelings along the way and make decisions based on what we think will do less harm and be most effective, and to never expect praise but to expect criticism and really deal with it. The power we hold will not go away, even if we dont think we need it or deserve it, we still have it and we need to be careful with it. If were in this, were in this. Its life long work. We need to be ok with messing up and with the thought that we might be doing more harm than good. We need to be ok with not knowing and open to learning and constantly improving ourselves. Were never gonna assume some position away from whiteness or an identity that makes us exempt and hides us and our whiteness from the world, just so we can be comfortable. We need to be in tension and sit with it. We need to push ourselves to feel discomfort and we cant simply give up. This shouldnt be about the kind of person we want to be, this should be about what we know is right and trying to do what we can to do something to work towards that. I repeat, what we do will never be enough and no amount of praise we get is a comfirmation that we did the right thing, are free from criticism and have received our ally badge. We need to stop this black and white thinking. So much of this im still processing and i have so much to learn, a lifetime of work i really need to start accepting now. Im questioning my motives: am i doing this to assuage my guilt? Am i prioritizing my comfort? Where does this fear come from? Why am i more concerned with being seen as antiracist than i am with doing things that are antiracist and seeing how it fuels change? Why do i need to build an identity around it, an identity that is so lost with generations of inflicting trauma my ancestors did? this emptiness, this vacuum i live in now that makes me walk around like a big baby, stepping on toes, doing harm wherever i go unthinking and without reflecting. But theres no time for theorizing and intellectualizing. This doesnt invoke action. I and i alone know what my intentions are, i and i alone can decide whether or not i share that article, speak up, call out. Theres no right way to do this because my whiteness permeates me and the people around me and theres no easy answers.

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