My only desire in life is to be somebody people can look up to and admire for what i have done. At the moment i am completely fucking that up and it hurts really badly, all of my life my peers have expected me to be perfect and im not perfect but it keeps me up at night that i cant do ANYTHING to fix this. Life feels horrible and i have been on a downward descent to damn near madness, drowning my sorrows in the liquor i pour gaining sinful addictions by the handful.
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Give yourself a break. Find your principles. Decide what you stand for. It is not the extraordinary achievements that make you a person to be admired. It is the integrity, the personality, the courage to stand behind what you believe in.