Today is my birthday. It’s 8:30pm. I’ve been alone all day. Nobody wants to talk to me or see me. Recently my Significant other of 8 years decided to Break up with me, and they cut me out of their life completely. Almost all of the friends I had stopped talking to me after that. My S.O broke up with me, and I was exiled by all of our friends. So it’s my birthday, and nobody cares but me. What’s really painful is that this is what my birthday is like every year. Even before my S.O broke up with me. Even before almost all of my friends exiled me. My family Never cared. My friends never cared. My S.O never cared.

I’ve been battling crippling depression for a long time. This cuts deep. Every year it kills me. I’ve never told anyone how deeply it hurts. Because if anyone really cared, it wouldn’t happen. Every year on this day, I visit the same spot. A grassy patch at the top of a vertical cliff, overlooking the sea. At the bottom there’s jagged Rocky outcrops. 4 years ago I nearly jumped from that spot. Now every year on my birthday I return. I don’t know why. Part of me screams to jump. To just do it. But I never do. I’ve been back to that cliff every day simce my S.O broke up with me. It was a bad breakup. I’ve been hurting every day since. And now today, I’m heading there again. Today I’ve the pain of my breakup, and the pain of yet another birthday spent alone. Everytime I’ve gone before I had a million reasons to take the step over, but only one reason to take a step back. My S.O was that reason. Now, I have no reason. I don’t know if I’ll be coming back from this visit. Honestly I don’t think I want to.

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