I don’t think you ever get over the suicide of a loved one. They chose to leave, they weren’t taken away. Not to mention the suffering they went through that lead them to that decision. I don’t blame you Eva, you were scared and confused, but you made the wrong choice. It would have been ok.
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I had a friend in High School that shot himself and died. Him and his GF were always breaking up & getting back together, his dad was punching him and hurting him a lot, he was a popular kid in school, but he decided that he didn’t wanna live and try to work his problems out. Sue side is a long tern solution to a short term problem. It never makes sense to do it. It is a very selfish thing to do. Your problems are over but the ones you leave behind suffer the rest of their lives.
I don’t think I would ever get over the suicide of a loved one either but it doesn’t stop the depression in my head screaming that I need to die and that no one will miss me. It speaks to you in your own inner voice, convincing you that everyone would be better off if you were dead whether they know it or not. It’s easy to see how wrong that is objectively but when you’re inside it logic does not apply. Nothing reaches the bottom of the pit. The brief moments of clarity when I realize how stupid those thoughts are causes so much guilt and shame that the depression uses for more fuel. When your emotions are so dark and complicated that you dread each day suicide feels like the simplest solution.