I was a little boy, I was a good boy; 4-5 years old. I wish I had never gone to the neighhbours’ house that evening. They were a huge joint family and one of their elder kids.. was a paedophile 🙁
20 years ago, it was either him or one of his cousins (victim) who called me into a small room and asked me to touch his exposed private part. When I backed away at first, he pulled me saying “it’s a giant worm, be curious, poke it” and kept holding my wrist going tighter every moment. I had no choice at that age and although inside I felt sick but outside something shamelessly made me giggle.
The next day when he had come to our house for something, in presence of my mom and dad, I remember to have shouted in my little voice what he had done the earlier day evening but some drilling and renovation work noise drowned my voice probably for the rest of life.
I felt silenced and forced to accept that what he did was fine finally making me an victim-turned-addict who 1st was obssessed sexually with himself, later with another equally sex-abused cousin and then with porn for 12 years of my precious life.
I would want to stop but being on naturally-produced dopamine from these sinful acts I couldn’t and would want more and more until I started seeing the bad effects- no motivation to perform in my schools, colleges, universities; no interest in girls and not seeing them as just human beings; no smiles, no remorse; no creativity, dumping my hobbies; no interest in real world and friendships.
After those 12 years when I realise, it feels all so nostalgic and sad; wish I wouldn’t have been addicted to p*rnography.
I’m a good boy after all :'(
Slowly changing into a better human being; through tearful evenings, lonely afternoons, lonely life and painful wounds.

*I was really a good boy-I didn’t know all those bad things existed. What I became in between isn’t entirely my fault, mommy and papa*
I love you :'(

• Share on Facebook