I am always so sad and depressed. My family is always supporting me and letting me know that they’ll love me no matter what, and I feel like this somehow makes my condition worse because I feel guilty for not feeling happy. I have problem asking people to get things done for me, and because of this I couldn’t ask my dad for the financial documents needed for the college application. As a result of this, I might not get into any college due to incomplete application. Of course, dad doesn’t know this. I have let him believe that he can take his time to process the documents.
So, I spend all day sitting in my bed, letting my family think my college applications are being processed while half of them aren’t even complete. I am afraid to get out of the house because each time I am out, I fantasize about the ways I could easily die. If I am climbing or getting down a staircase, I want myself to slip or someone else to push me, so I can die from the fall. While walking across the road, I want some reckless driver to hit me. This is really getting out of the hand to the point that I feel good thinking about all the ways I could die even when I am in bed and not doing anything. It is easy to distract myself from these thoughts during the day, but at night, it always gets out of hand. I have these disturbing thoughts that make me bawl my eyes out.

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