After my mother started locking her bedroom door when she woke and caught me in her room, i became more and more frustrated. 16 year old immaturity and obsession drove me to desperation. It dawned on me that her curtains were never closed because her bedroom windows faced the back yard. So in my disrepectful obsession with her it did not occur to ne what an idiotic and invasive idea it was to start being a disgusting peeper on my own mother. So i started to go out in the back yard early so I could sneak a look through her bedroom window before she got up. It was not as rewarding to my compulsively diseased way of thinking found with seeing her in the bath or as she slept, but it “fed” my urges.
One afternoon she said she was going to the neighbor’s for a bit, and I gave myself the opportunity to slip into her empty bedroom to m********* in her bed. Even the scent of her shampoo and cologne on the sheets was enough to help me relieve the urges. But when I was done I decided to lay in her bed and soak in the scents as a pathetic way to enjoy being with her in a detached way. And zi dozed off.
I woke to her saying my name. Which meant i woke in her bed, naked, still gripping my half erection and my own e********** drying on my skin. I was instantly terrified and humiliated. But she seemed frighteningly calm. She told me to get cleaned up, get dressed, and meet her in the living room. I expected the spanking to end all spankings.
But she only talked to me and as she did I realized her calmness was demoralized defeat. She said she had gone next door at the neighbor’s request. Becauss they had seen me early one morning looking through her windows and m*********** in the back yard. Since it was the 1970s it was a different world. Things like this were not talked about. It was too taboo. Secrets stayed secrets. There was no legal or counseling system to help someone like ne for this. She told me she gave up. That she did not know what to do or how to help me. That she could only hope I could love her 3nough to find a way to stop invading her privacy and violating her as a woman or as my mother. She told me how much she loved me and hoped I could stop for both our sakes. I feel she believed me when i said it was because i thought she was so beautiful and attractive and she said she understood that but that she really needed me to stop. And for a a while i managed to. But eventually i only failed her love in even worse ways.
