I’ve been with my bf for many years now. I was never sure if I ever wanted to have child and I was always vocal about it. My bf has faith that I will want to in the future because he was always great with children and wants to be a father. Every time I say I’m not sure if we will have children, he says that he’s okay with that but I see in his eyes that he will be very disappointed if I won’t want to get pregnant. The problem is – with every year I want children less and less. The whole pregnacy and giving birth thing disgusts and scares the sh out of me. Small children are too loud and too annoying. It would be nice to have a child that’s already born as 6 y/o or even more adult. I just can’t think positively of the first few years after giving birth to a child. I just get so anxious, angry and irritated.
I really love my boyfriend. We talk about this stuff often. I’m just scared that one day I will say that I don’t want to have a child for sure and he will break up with me and that the whole “choice thing” was an illussion. There are some days I wish he would just break up with me now and find a woman that is sure that she wants to have children so we wouldn’t waste our time being with each other since I’m afraid we both want something different in the future. Also in my country the abortion laws are horrible. I read about all these women that die because doctors didn’t want to save their lifes “because baby comes first”. All these health problems after giving birth… both mental and physical ones. My organs moving to give space to the fetus… all the physical anguish also. It all just makes me never want to go through it. It’s just too much for me. Child is just not worth it since I want to live my life to the fullest and I love it just the way it is rn. I wish it would turn out that I can’t bear children. I love him and he loves me, I see it (that’s why he still wants to be with me even if I’m not sure if I want children), but I just don’t want to disappoint him and I don’t want to shut down my life to bear a child I don’t even want in the first place. It would feel like I gave up everything that is dear to me to make my bf’s wishes come true. And I’m just not… this is not okay.
