I believe my most toxic trait is covertly conditioning loved ones to my impending death, most especially because I know I am very likely to die by suicide. I do not care to be shy about my suicidal nature, but I also do not care to be saved. I can’t stand the attention, so it’s difficult to be frank about it. In my mind, it makes more sense to slowly build a tolerance to the topic with people as our relationships evolve. Once I establish that this topic is not taboo with them, then I have prepped the waters for more honest comments of my own, which are always alarming. No one wishes to hear the way someone they love talks to themselves in their darkest hours, but I have much darkness, and I don’t care to hide it. It consumes me whole many times. Naturally, this creates big reactions from those who care for me, which creates a big reaction in me, and I have to work over periods of years to mitigate these feelings I can’t handle, years within which people grow to love me for one reason or another. I do not spend this time working on myself, though, nor on conditioning myself. It takes a lot of precise, intentional conditioning to convince someone away from their guttural instinct to want to protect you from your own self as someone they love, but people will go to drastic measures for someone they love without consent if they think you’re nutty enough. The last thing I want is someone to get in my way. I just want to die in f****** peace. At least give me that. If this manipulative behavior was to spare them pain when I finally do it, it wouldn’t be so bad. At least it would be rooted in love, right? But it’s to spare my own self pain while I openly plan it right in front of their eyes. It’s to keep my guilt at bay. For this reason, I know myself to be selfish. I bring love into their lives with full intentions of breaking their hearts. I am not ashamed of my suicidal tendencies. I am ashamed of the way I manipulate people I love in very complex ways over the premeditated course of several years for my own benefit. I always say that honesty and integrity are the key to my personal existence, and it’s because I lack both honesty and integrity where it matters most that this behavior perpetuates. I am not a person I could love.
