I have a porn addiction. I try my best to keep quitting and have done so for about 2-3 years now. I would go for certain periods where I would do well but it seems to keep coming back. I don’t enjoy it anymore and want to stop but it feels like such an ingrained pattern. Over time the kind of porn I watched got more extreme, and needed ever increasing shock factor to be eroused. Now that I am in a relationship (first one) and sexually active I want to leave this behind so badly. It has caused a lot of pain for me in my life and dont want it to affect this relationship. I dont feel comfortable talking about this with her, but perhaps I should.
What started off quite inoccently has in my naiveness caused a lot of problems for me that I want to take responsibility for. But instead of actually taking responsibility I usually just end up self blaming and torturing myself with guilt. I guess true responsibility would be in finding forgiveness for myself but honestly this is quite difficult. This is something I believe i should find, and believe that God has enough love for me, only I am too ashamed to accept it. I have sinned, and I have blocked out the Lord’s love in a toxic negative cycle. Porn –> Guilt –> Shame –> Feel horrible about myself –> Porn (Temporary Fix) and so it continues.
I guess this is the struggle of all addicts and this downward circle pulls so many innocent people down. People are responsible for themselves, but sometimes life can be too much, as I have experienced. It is funny I have compassion for all other people in my situation and my heart bleeds for them but I never feel this in anyway for myself. Fundementally I guess we are in the same boat, and the ones who get out are rescued by the Grace of his Holiness.
Maybe I should tell someone, and maybe that person is my partner. I know it will be hard for her but perhaps this is a test from God to reach out for help when you cannot do it alone.
If anyone who reads this is struggling with something similar I hope you have someone you can talk to, writing this confession out has made me realise this is what I should do.
God bless you all