• 3 months ago
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I’m in a professional schooling program at the moment. So far, it’s been difficult. I mean – like how in the world am I still here type of difficult. I fought my way to get into school and I fought to keep myself here over the last couple of years, but it’s finals week – and there’s a real possibility that I might not pass one of my classes. If that happens, I’ll have to stay an extra year in the program, which…it’s not that bad. I could do it, although I really, really would prefer not to.
That’s not the guilty part though – the guilty part is that part of me doesn’t want to pass. Part of me wants to fail and then just leave the program. I love what I’m doing and I love what I’m learning, but I’m so tired and ready for a time where I don’t have to be stressed 24/7 and worry about every little thing. I’m ready to be able to take a nap without feeling guilty, or just lounging out in a lawn chair because I can.
I have to keep fighting because I can’t not make it…but there’s a tiny part of me that wishes for that alternate ending. I try to snuff that part of me out, because I can’t do that. I can’t let it take over, but the relief I’d feel if it were the case…gosh, it feels so good.

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