When i was twelve my cousin, being three at the time,was taking a shower with me and she kept hitting my breast and butt.So I grabbed her back was against my stomach I held her across her chest. I then had the fucking amazing thought of scaring her by playing like I was a pedo .I didn’t touch her anywhere inappropriate but I was slowly slipping to the ground with her in that position while she kept saying we’re falling and I just said it back in a creepy tone hoping to scare her only for it to fail and for her to keep on laughing. When we got to the ground i said sorry for almost doing something I got out of the shower dried her and then myself.I felt bad but not really because I knew I wouldn’t actually have done anything and my mind was doing that to me to make me hate myself and I just have a wild imagination. For a time I forgot about it but when I remembered it I started seeing her naked in my mind and i would always try to get it out of my head and one time even had a nightmare of actually doing it and I woke up crying. and I was depressed for along time and I wish I’d just die but after telling my friend first about how I almost did that her telling me I was a good friend . Than actually remembering that I just wanted to scare her than telling it to my father and then my mother both of them giving me good advice. I went to see my cousin again, now 5 ,and to say sorry of course she didn’t know what I apologised for and just kept living on. but now I know that there is a time and a place for everything and to actually think before you do anything but I hope when she’s older I can tell her about this but until that time I will keep living like a normal person because I have not committed a crime and I should not feel like a disgusting horrible person when my only crime was not thinking.

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