4 years ago when I joined my new school, I made a new friend. we are both guys. my new best friend met this other girl, and oh my god she was pretty. they started dating.

3/4 months into knowing them, i started to hang out with that girl. we spoke deeply about things and had the same opinions on many things (not just my d*** talking.) at this point I have a massive crush. but I couldn’t do that to my best bro so I try to let go.

ff 8 months I start speaking to another girl I just met, she was sweet and we had some things in common, but I was just getting to know her. couple weeks into talking, she asked me face to face while we was out with some friends if I had any feelings for her, and confessed she kinda liked me. I (smoothly) told her we should speak about it later when I got home. I told this girl that “I would like to get to know you better” as in, I haven’t known you that long.

school break ends and my best mate comes up to me, congratulating me on my new girlfriend.
I had asked out this girl, without knowing it. I played it off for the whole day.
I played it off, for a whole year.
I have never told anyone about that. I never will.

recap: i had a crush on girl 1 about a year ago, then I accidentally asked out girl 2.

I met a girl 3, who I cheated with on girl 2.
I cheated on girl 2 for about 3 weeks before I broke it off with girl 2.
that all happened almost 3 years ago. I have been with girl 3 for 3 years June.

my terrible guilt is that;
when I tried to get over girl 1, my feelings only left for a couple of months. my entire relationships i have always had massive massive feelings for girl 1. still after about 3/4 years now. i think about her a lot. I see her often as we’re still all quite close friends after these years.

I also feel massive guilt for cheating on girl 2. she was innocent and I’m a prick.

Girl 3 is the best I’ve ever had, but I think about how life could be with girl 1. I think I would cheat for girl 1 over my best mate, and current girlfriend.

my feelings include the pain of lying, the stress of lying and the massive guilt of lying. i sometimes actively flirt with girl 1, as she is a flirty girl.

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