Almost two years ago I asked my cousin that is a few years younger than me to practice kissing and was rejected. For years we were having fun playing video games together and we got pretty close and I eventually I started developing feelings for my cousin. I was a virgin at the time with zero experience and was suffering from heavy depression and suicidal thoughts. For some reason I convinced myself that it wouldn’t hurt to ask my cousin to practice kissing with me even though my cousin never gave any signals or had feelings for me whatsoever. My cousin left town just a few weeks after the incident and the relationship is basically nonexistent. My cousin has later returned to town and I’ve contacted my cousin a few times so we could talk things through, which is the only thing that can make things better but my cousin doesn’t want to.

This experience escalated far beyond what I could ever imagine and it almost broke me. Nearly killed me. I didn’t really think I was going to make it through the first year. I’ve been ashamed and disgusted with myself and in deep fear that everyone would know and my life would be over. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before.
I don’t know if I am able to live if my cousin tells everyone but I have decided to focus on myself to get stronger and hopefully be strong enough that I don’t commit suicide if or when it gets leaked, even if I have to cut contact with everyone I care about to survive. Building a strong foundation knowing that just a single press of a button can ruin it is difficult but I’ve isolated myself long enough and this confession is the start of a new beginning for me. It took me a while to realize that the only thing I can do is to focus on myself. I can’t control or affect what other people do or think. Hopefully things will improve for the better. I don’t really think so but I don’t want to die either. Thank you for reading.

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