i have had a girlfriend once before. it diddnt go too well but thats not the reason for this confession.
when i was 19 i was lonely one day and decided to go and seek some kind of conversation on the only reliable place to get dumb conversations. that of course being omegle; while there i was berated with many attempts to phish me out of money by e-sluts and many men just looking to jack off. the usual.
and then i got put into a chat with someone that chose all the same interests as me and we started talking. she revealed to me that she was actually 14 and she lived across the country. this being america its a 20 hour drive. and i told her she shouldnt use such a site because of all the creepy guys who would try and take advantage. and we talked for more than an hour on things. anything. it was text so its not like we had to be really social just throw ideas around gage eachothers reactions and me being starved for such conversation asked if she had a facebook so we could use the messenger app to talk.
her mother had unfortunately prohibited it. so we exchanged discord links and started up a conversation on there. she was nice; she would talk to me and we had so much in common we saw eye to eye on a lot of subjects. we were both lonley and because of the disconnect of talking through text i told her things i had only ever once confided in my brother. this was within the first week. we talked daily, after her school let out we would chat about how the day went and continued whatever conversation we were having the day before. i knew her favorite color, food, hobbies, ambitions, fears, just about everything. and i was falling for her. some little girl half way across the world who seemed just as starved for affection as i was.
i think back and i think i was in love. i never talked to her directly, her parents would have gone off to know she was talking to some guy; they were just like that. and i knew because of laws and the fact that i diddnt feel like i diserved such a connection i decided to cut contact. i diddnt want her to get into trouble or hold out for some stranger on the internet.
oh and she told me she had a boyfriend who was clingy and possessive and she wanted to break up with him. it stung. i was the exact same as him to my only girlfriend i had ever had and it had ended bad. i gave her the only advice i thought to be right. break up with him. its not healthy to think of someone else as your own and to think of them as better than yourself.
when i cut contact i cried for a long while and still think back to our little conversations. the photos of her dogs and the photos of herself and her snowy lawn. i truley regret cutting contact with her and i know thats selfish. but that was the only genuine connection i think ive ever had. some little girl half way across the world that i thought deserved better.