• 5 years ago
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I like a girl. A lot. I mean – its a long, drawn out love story – that started when I was in 9th standard – and it went on to grow like a little, beautiful bittersweet pain that I have – I knew that I never had a shot at a beautiful girl like her in my entire life – but I gathered enough courage (2 years after), and when I was in 11th standard – I failed my class, and I had to repeat that year. During the most lowest point of my life – I opened my mouth and talked to her (didn’t open up by talking about my feelings though). She talked to me – and we became wonderful friends for each other. It was a time of failure for me – but not once did she judge me for that – and instead she picked me up from the hollowed out darkness. She had moved onto her final year in high school and I had two more years. So, I knew that she would go away from the school – and I knew I had no time – so I opened my mouth – and spilled out the truth. To my surprise, she reciprocated the feeling – and I realized that she liked me too. It was beautiful. But, not two months later – she pushed me away – she didn’t give me a reason, and instead she just said that she didn’t want to be in my life and pushed me away. It took a toll, but I was in high school and didn’t want to build on it. She went away, and I started to cope with it. I moved from friends to friends to find my place – and I found a girl as my pen-pal, and tried to fill her void. She was a good friend though, but I knew that I was missing something. By that time, my college started and I got involved with another girl. It wasn’t right to say that I got into a relationship after thought – I jumped in, knowing that I didn’t move on from my high school crush, and I knew that I had to. It wasn’t a perfect relationship – she was abusive, sometimes controlling, sometimes sympathetic, and because of my saviour complex – she said that she was a r*** victim when she was a kid, and that she didn’t tell it to anyone of her life – not even her parents. I tried to give faith – and wanted to bring happiness to her life – little did I know that she was slowly isolating me from my friends – and manipulating me into becoming someone I was not. For 5 years I was stuck in that relationship – not realizing that I was. During these periods – there were occassionally physically intimate moments – but nothing to the point that it became penetrative s**. I knew that I had to break up with her. She slapped me when I opened up about my past crushes and relationships, she refused to let me hang out with my friends, she hated it when I spent time with my family, saying that I never spent time with her – mind you, all throughout college- I didn’t make a single friend, other than whom I was already a friend before, because of the nagging fear of what she might react. She could manipulate me with emotional blackmail – she would sometime call me in the middle of the day of a holiday, saying that she wanted to see me, and if I refused, she would threaten to cut her wrist or jump off a building. I forced myself to be whoever she wanted me to be, just to make sure she didn’t hurt herself. She stopped doing that – when I was completely shut off from others and I was only available to her. After some time, after my college finished, I got a job and this is when I realized that I had shoved all my feelings and acts aside to make her happy. Somewhere it was my saviour complex to help a r*** victim to become a better human being. And after a long drawn out thought, I decided to break up with her – which she responded by saying that I took advantage of her emotional instability – and that if I wanted to break up with her – I shouldn’t have become physically intimate. She tortured me for a long time – almost three months – my job performance started dipping, and I hate going back home from the place where I work, because she lives in the same city. She refused to break up with me – and initially begged, then shouted, and then threatened that if I didn’t get back with her – she would inform her parents of this – and put all the blame on me.

I don’t know whether she would break up with me. Because out of the blue, my high school crush told me that she had pushed me away because she didn’t want to know that her father was preying upon her s*******. It was a daunting thing to open up to me, obviously, but i know that if she had gathered enough courage to tell it to me – I knew I would’ve made her happy as I could. Instead, I jumped onto another relationship that is tearing me down, and I don’t want my high school crush to hate me.

All of this is breaking my heart – and I just want my high school crush to know what I did in my own life, but I am too afraid to say it – she deserves a better guy than me, and I know that I am too outside of her league. If I tell what happened with me and my ex, I know she would stop talking to me – and that is for the good. I don’t know when I will tell her. But I hope that she is happy.

I am not a bad guy, I know that. I just made bad decisions in my life. It breaks my heart for it.

All Comments

  • Telling someone your innermost secrets can be scary. No one’s life is perfect, but keeping secrets is never wise. The truth can be very freeing. I think your crush might not judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. If you want to have a loving relationship with your crush, you need to start by being honest. Like I always say, all secrets come out sooner or later. Sometimes, a bit later than we want, but that’s only because the truth can hurt. Being honest is the cornerstone of building a trusting and loyal relationship. Honestly, what’s so bad that you couldn’t tell her?

    Anonymous November 26, 2018 3:38 pm Reply
    • Why would a girl like her accept a guy like me? I am not very special – I’ve been physically intimate with another girl, and it was a mistake. May be at the end – I would just have to accept whatever life is going to give me. But I am going to say this to her – not now. But soon. I just hope I don’t lose her.

      Anonymous November 28, 2018 4:42 am Reply

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