I’ve displayed acts of animal(cat) abuse when I was a kid.. To the point of killing them.
I’ve deeply regretted it, tore my hair out(figuratively) in a mental breakdown that nobody knew about. It still tears me apart to this day, I’m now over 20 years old.
It just tears me apart, “Am I a good person?” “I’ll never be a good person.” “I was born horrible.” “I should die.”
Didn’t help my depression.
I’ve realized that me doing that to those kittens was a form of repressed anger.. I had/have anger issues(I was molested by my older brother around the time I started hurting animals, I guess it stems from there). I will sometimes just completely burst unless I take a huge effort to take a deep breath and relax. And it scares me. That someday I’ll hurt someone I love, irrepairably. My children? Spouse?
Now I’ve raised countless of cats and kittens, I’ve had four generations of cats living in my house and they’ve gotten the best care. I guess I’m atoning or something..
Sometimes the guilt seeps back to me.. I start looking up connections of animal abuse to being a serial killer, a psychopath(didn’t help when my bestfriend called me a psycho before cutting ties with me). Am I really a bad person. Am I really born to be a bad person. Should I stick to that destiny?
I just.. Need to know that I’m doing okay.. That it’s in the past, that everything will be fine..
Or do I really have to just live with the fact that I’ll perish one day as an evil entity. Alone and hated.
A psychopath. Sometimes I feel better when I just embrace it. I’m just crazy anyway. Should I just set it free? Go on a rampage, a spree.. Get sent to a mental hospital and scream and claw at the walls and die.
Let go of all my dreams and hopes of having a better life and raising children with the person I love.
Someone so evil like me doesn’t deserve any of those.
All Comments
You are not evil. Get into some counseling and you can have a wonderful life. Children, spouse, house. Wishing you the best.
I’ve hid this secret so much, my deepest darkest secret, I honestly thought I’d take it to the grave as surely, any spouse I might have would leave the moment they know about this.
And I think that suddenly opening up, to a friend or a psychiatrist, would just break me.
Like I’ve held this mask, this secret, built up these walls to protect it for so long, I’m afraid of ruining it all and starting from the bottom again. I’m in an important part of my life right now and I can’t jeopardize it. A part of my life that has been my reason for living. For not ending my life.
Maybe someday I’ll get counseling, but for now.. Maybe confessing will ease the pain.
Your not a psychopath because they feel no remorse for their actions. This thing is tearing you apart and coupling would be the best option for you.
Sometimes when I have bursts of anger I just see red. Like a bull. I want to inflict pain but I KNOW, there’s a voice in me that says what I’m doing is wrong but I’m just deaf at that time.
Then my “red” vision falters and that voice breaks through. Then I’ll breakdown crying again and apologizing to whichever cat I’ve decided to bully, who was unfortunate enough to be there. And I’d feel even more guilty when they snuggle up to me to comfort me. They’re comforting me, they my victims.
I just feel so pathetic..
Have you confronted your brother for fucking you?