I have only been rolling drunk twice. but I feel bad that I ever allowed myself alcohol at all now. I started having the occasional vodka and lemon soda at parties at home with parents when I was about 28. before that I would only try some cocktails or scotch and cola like 1 time and didn’t like it. or a bit of port. but it was around 28 I used alcohol to make me more sociable and less nervous around men and other people I was intimidated by. so I would allow myself to have say 3 drinks and leave it at that and the rest water or soda for the rest of the night. if I was slightly tingly in the face and laughing I felt good and never really altered from that but for about 2 times I got seriously drunk.

in my 30’s I feel like I let myself down because I would occasionally buy a passion pop drink or my sister would buy that as well or trevi or black tower or fruit mixed sparkling wines or I would buy those pre-mixed vodka drinks with mudslides or lime and vodka was a favourite. at the most I would have 2 a night and I didn’t have them every night. maybe 1 or 2 pre-mixed drinks at a maximum of about 1 a week sometimes. on weekends if I went night clubbing I would have at the most 3 glasses of champagne at happy hour and that was about it and rest was mostly water. I feel bad that I let myself down and did all that. I know its not as bad some people do. some people start the night club binge drinking much younger in their teens when back then I stuck to my orange juice and water or sodas or tea. now i just think any drink is harmful. there is no getting away from it. it can cause organ damage and poor health.
I feel so fat like I have a phatom pregnancy and to look at me you would think I drank alcohol like a slob blob duck drinks pond water right. and I didn’t do that. 1 drink would be too many to me, but for some what I drank was more then modest.

but I feel ashamed. is this why I am being punished now? I gave up the alcohol in 2005 after I got a strange vomitting bug and I was sick some nights after trevi or some west coast coolers (I liked them a lot in my late twenties if I was asked if I wanted a alcohol drink because it was the lowest or I would just go for soda or water).

but I never really liked the taste, its only occasionally I feel like a sip of sparkling wine with a salad or dessert at xmas but it is a rare sip.

my tablets don’t allow me. last year I had half a glass of red wine and I shouldn’t have with a lamb roast dinner lunch. but I don’t want to do that ever again.

I felt rotten after half a glass. the next day I thought ” I can see why I gave up the alcohol years ago, the taste on the tongue is disgusting in the morning” I don’t miss that.

I don’t know if I am making a mountain out of a moll hill but there it is my guilt over indulgence in alcohol and to be honest I feel more guilty over indulgences in sweets and chocolate, massages and fruit.

god help me. I feel so stupid and embarrassed for my foolish ways.

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