I am betraying my husband-to-be.
I don’t know if that might risk his life.
I am in love wih another man I have not even seen in person and am thinking about leaving him although he might really need me.

We have been together for 10 years, engaged for 4, met in school and he was my first boyfriend. Through the last years, he has developed serious depression with suicidal thoughts. Over the last year he felt better, almost changed. He was happy and again interested in the world around him – it was when I could finally breathe without fear again that I realized I would not fall in love with the man he is today. To put it blankly he is just not my type. I am not really into his looks, we do not share similar plans for our future and are not interested in each others hobbies and friends, only for the sake of the other.
He is the most sensitive, kind and dreamy person I know, deeply emphatic and caring. I deeply love him and always will – but right now I love him like a brother, not like my partner. What I am missing from him and our relationship is him taking responsibities, planning ahead, doing a goddamn thing in the household or at least paying his own bills. I want a partner I can rely on and raise children with.

And I think I met someone like that.
Actually we met online 3 years ago, and although there was some tension nothing evolved. Im am working online a lot, so we had some calls and video conferences. Over the last months we talked more and more and he has been there for me quite often, and eventually admitted it was because he was interested in me. He can be quite convincing and once he put his mind on something, he is not easily distraught. I know I should have just changed the division and stopped talking to him or gotten things straight with my boyfriend first.
But at first I did not think it would get this serious, then it was too tempting to stop. I don’t think I actually wanted to end the relationship to my boyfriend, and I am still quite unconvinced to do so. “The other guy” knows that. But still I am going to visit him in a few weeks to see how it is to meet him.

I am a dirty coward for not telling my boyfriend. The more I look at our life, I want to get out of it and end this relationship. But then he tells me how much he loves me and I want to cry for everything we planned to build up together.
I love him, I really do. So why am I breaking his heart like this instead of telling him and allowing him a fresh start?

To make things worse, his depression kicked in last week.
He had a fully grown panic attack with suicidal thoughts coming back and was knocked out for two days.
How could I leave him now?
Yet a part of me still wants to.

I cannot live with the feeling of being responsible for his very life everyday. I can’t take this another year. It breaks me and I am so ashamed of that. I can’t help him. I failed him.
If he found out I was planning to visit someone else I don’t know what he would do.
He might surprise me by getting over it, or he might kill himself. I really don’t know.
Yet I am still going to go, praying I do not get caught.

If anyone read this, I am sorry you had to see this.
I am a backstabbing liar, and I know it.

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