there is a monster inside me. i’ve had it for as long as i can remember and it waits in the back of my mind like some steel trap, just waiting for the day i lose control. the day i snap. on the outside i’m the most regular person you’ll ever meet; i volunteer at church, i help my parents with whatever they need, i have friends, not many enemies. but deep within me i can feel the darkness becking. it sits in silence for the moment i go too far. it fills my head with sickness, i cut and burn myself until i am in so much pain i’m unable to stay conscious. i think of horrible things, ways to hurt people, make them suffer for no reason at all. split open someone’s back, dig my fingers into their spine, hear them scream. i’m so afraid. i’m afraid that one day i will live out these thoughts. one day i will snap, and do the unthinkable. hurt. kill. the monster wants it so badly. wants me to cause pain. i don’t understand it. it’s becoming harder to control. i’m so afraid.
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calm down sub-zero
how dramatic, just say you’re mentally ill and then bounce around inside some room with padded walls.
I feel the same way. I have yet to self mutilate or harm. I know and can feel my darkness in the back of my mind. I have the same thoughts as you. I too am normal on the outside. Married, kids, family, reapectable job, church relations and such. The only difference is I know I’m in control of my monster. He won’t see the light of day unless I let him. That’s my worry, that one day I’ll let him and in that moment I cease to be the facade of myself and become the monster wholly.
I feel same like you. But my monster has control over me. He let me do every other thing like normal people do but after that, he destroys me, destroys my every struggle and gives me pain. I do things that I don’t like or am running away from and after that, I see myself in the mirror and laugh at myself. I even offer prayers regularly to get myself away from the demon inside me but every time it controls me and I destroy myself mentally. Am so afraid of him, he has control all over me.
I thought I was alone. It seems not.