• 6 years ago
  • 393 Views

I’m already starting to feel sane after telling you everything. I don’t know what I should do. Is there anything I can Do? I realize I can’t undo any of things. I’m trying so hard to get this evil out of my heart forever. I want to be a kind hearted successful father and husband. I’ve done many s******* deviant things. All justified in my head. I’ve had s** with so many men even though I’m a man. 99-100% I was high while doing it. I wish I never did
I luckily have no s.t.d.s again I feel shame. Yet I am blessed. Naturally athletic, am told I’m good looking, very intelligent, people seem to like me, things naturally work out well for me. Except all the evil s***… almost looking for advice. I definitely feel better, part of me is wondering. Does confessing everything anonymously get me in trouble? Does it get people around me In trouble? More barriers In thinking. Things trying to prevent me from being human. I stabbed someone almost killed him during a fight over money while high. I got caught, was charged and still am on probation.i feel singled out. Even though I know I’m not the only one trying to escape evil. I tried to f*** a dog once. Didn’t f*** it. Literally pouring out everything on spur of moment because guilt was too much. I blame others for all my mistakes. I think I’m so great, but look at all the bad s*** I’ve done. I believe I can and have learned from this s***, but if I never tell anyone it’s just going to eat me alive. I’m trying to think of all the other s***, oh yeah, assaulted the same girlfriend who I made have so much s**. Almost killed her and terrorized her. Hate myself for that. A lot. Never do it again though. Haven’t even gotten close. I’ve been assaulted by a woman several times and for the most part just refuse to fight back. Almost relish in the pain and staying wise not letting emotions take control. My decision making skills has drastically improved since getting off of drugs. But the f****** guilt. I can barely hold a job because of my constant fighting inner voices. Literally worshipped the devil at times in my life. Have experienced real miracles and am still blessed every day. I’m happy to be alive and want to keep living. I have never confessed a lot of what I confessed today and I’m hoping it will make a change in my mind. After saying all that I no longer feel like I need to tell myself I’m not like Hitler or Bundy or Escobar, or gacy or uh serial rapists. But how could I let myself get to that point where the only way I can even feel good is by comparing myself to severely bad criminals.

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