Hey, I’m 21 years old guy. I am a student. This confession is going to be really long. I hope that you guys will read and understand this.

I have only been in love once, 3 years ago. I was in High school then. And I messed it up really badly. I have not been in a relationship since then. I guess, I cant move on because of the guilt looming on my subconscious.

It all started when we were in the second month of our relationship. We were really happy. One day, I got a message from a girl in Facebook. I replied to her, and the conversation started. She said she was a girl from my school. At that time I did not know her, or at least I did not recognize her. After some hours, she sent me a joke, a really dirty joke. And, I got attached to the conversation. I replied her with a dirty joke too. And that’s when I messed up. I was still in a relationship with my girlfriend and I really loved her. I did not have even a little bit of feeling towards that other girl. In fact, at that time I did not even think that she was a girl. I thought that some person was just passing time. (Yes, some assholes do that in our country ).

One day, she asked for a picture of my… , well, down parts. I was shocked, and now I had truly believed that it was a fake id. But then I did something terrible. I downloaded a pic from internet and sent it to her. If I had blocked her that instant, I probably would not have ended writing this confession.
Some few weeks passed, I still loved my girlfriend more than anything. But the conversation with that other girl went from simple dirty jokes to full on s** chat. One day she told me that

she was my bench partner in an examination and she had known me from there. I remembered her, and I realized that I was not talking to some stupid person. I was talking to a real girl. I told her about my relationship with my love. But that did not change anything. She just did not care and I don’t know why I got so much addicted to that conversation. I did not love her, never had any feeling towards her. One day as we were talking, she said something that made me wonder if she was in love with me ? I asked her, and she said yes. I was surprised. That’s when I realized that it had to stop.

But it was too late. My girlfriend was pulling away from me. When I asked her why , at first she told me that it was because of her father. She said that her father has seen us together and that he did not like that. SO she wanted to get away from me. I was stupid and reckless. I checked her fb, and one guy was talking to her very badly, telling her that he loved her and stuff. Next day, I went to school and had a fight with that guy. It drew a lot of attention, believe me or not, I almost caused a fight between two grades. I embarrassed her. She talked to me that evening. I asked her why she wanted to go away from me. She told me that I had made a mistake. I asked her what I had done but she just said , find it yourself. I spent about a week trying to figure out what had I done. I just never thought about the chat that I had with that other girl.

Instead of realizing the truth and ask for forgiveness, I got angry at her. I just could not differentiate between what was right and wrong. I took some really bad advice from my friends and wrote her 5 pages long break up letter. I just could not do it in person, i was so much frustrated. I still remember that I had written really bad things to her. That’s how I lost my first love. Due to my silly mistakes and inability to determine the right thing.
Two months passed and the girl that I used to chat with proposed me, or I proposed her. I don’t clearly remember. I thought that going into another relation will heal me from the past one. I was wrong. Being in this relationship was like hell to me. Without any feelings for her, it was nothing.

About a year had passed since I broke up with my love(let’s call her Sara), I got a message from her on Facebook. That’s when I broke up with rose (the s** chat girl). She told me how much she missed me. At that time, I had too much ego and I pushed her away again. I ended up hurt, again, due to my silly ego and mistake. That’s when I realized the mistake I made the first time. It was too late now. I could not tell her how much sorry I am.

It has been almost 3 years now, since I broke up with Sara. And I still love her as much as I loved her then. Today I missed a call from her. I had hopes once again. I asked her friend if she knows why Sara called me. Turns out, she called me from Sara’s phone UNKNOWINGLY. All the hope that she wants to speak with me again, shattered.
Its been 3 hours since that call, and all these feelings of regret, pain , guilt are overwhelming me. I want to tell her about everything but I’m too afraid she will not forgive me. I am not hoping of having a relationship with her again, I know it is not possible. It’s too late. But I just hope that she knows how much she meant to me, that what I had with her is real , and main importantly that I have realized what I did wrong.

I am just so much confused right now. What should I say to her ? Do you guys think she will understand me ? Please help me.

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