I have always been, throughout my life, a person who has seen not so happy marriages. I grew up in a society where women were looked down upon, like they meant nothing except being maids and moms… that was it.
I have seen my immediate family criticize us, me and my sisters for getting education and everything, luckily we all got good education and good careers too…..after whatever I have seen in the family there was only one thing for me, to be a “man”. I tried to negate all the feminine feelings I might had as young as a 5th grader, and continued to be this man-like girl, who btw no one thinks is a girl on anonymous platforms… I think and act too much like men and i relate more to them than my gender… pardon me.
This was about last year, my elder sis was about to get married when there was a wedding proposal for her… as she was already hitched, the proposal was turned to me… it was from my aunt’s family , the guy had a pretty decent job and the whole family was quite adamant on me to accept. I was 23 then, a recent grad with no job as i was pursuing an exam and had just taken them. As someone who was always focused on being a man enough, I wanted to settle for a career, so i was disturbed… I didn’t talk about it too ’cause that would make me less of a man… but then as my nature is like , i went with the flow… I couldn’t find fault in the guy so i said yes. It was a purely arranged one, I had met him for almost 10 min that’s it!
Well, fast forward a year, we are nikahfied now, planning to get official wedding by the end of this yr… and literally this whole yr I have been in awe of how this breed of men exists too, who adore you for the smallest of things… being a somewhat religious person, i had a control on me to just keep it as a friendship though we were fiances, but after nikah I let it all loose and i can’t help but fall in love with him, every single day and every single hour. It’s nothing like lust but I yearn to be with him…that’s so not me, that was not how I trained myself not like what i raised myself to be…. and now I can;t help, I know this may sound funny but it had my head messed up for a while, also I can’t tell anyone about it, I don’t.. though it’s nothing wrong, but I can’t… there are people who still think that I somehow infringed on my sister’s right (weird as it was them to convince me) and that usual desi family comparisons. Since I expected nothing from this relation, now I am more than happy to have what’s in between us, and I can’t say, still hiding, but I do truly love him… and afraid of what I have become…
(pardon me for writing this gibberish, I just needed to let it out)