My first ex started to spend more time with another man on her floor and they started to get lunches together and give each other massages. I broke up with her after yelling at her for repeated massages with the guy and learning she had a crush on him before me (I asked if there was any history with the guy a few weeks into the relationship, but she said no numerous times). She would not stop talking about this guy as well as every other guy that gave her compliments throughout the school year. I understand that kind of attention does make someone feel good and wanted, but I didn’t find it appropriate to discuss this with you SO almost every dinner. Whenever I brought it up later in the relationship, she would dismiss it and make me feel like I was overreacting. I always ended up apologizing for bringing it up because sometimes she would start to cry saying, “He is like a brother to me. I don’t want you to think that I’m cheating.” I started to believe it myself and slowly went insane for 6+ months asking myself if what I was seeing actually was happening or not. A month into our relationship, she got a massage from the guy and sent me a picture of it, then said she was going to take a shower with the guy. Of course, I lost my s*** and asked if she wanted to break up in person. She said with remorse “No, I thought it would have been funny.” I now notice that she never apologized for anything to me in person. I feel like such a f****** idiot for not doing anything else about it, especially since the signs were there since the very beginning. I guess I didn’t know how the f*** a person can deal with that other than to bring it up with the partner. I still don’t know if she realized that the guy was trying to ruin our relationship and didn’t do anything about it or if she knew all along and was just torn throughout our relationship (We lasted about 10 months). She once said she started to distance herself from him. I thanked her, but also said “I don’t expect to completely cut him off because I know he is a friend and he is fun to hang out with at parties.” Maybe that’s how I fucked myself over, by being too nice about it. I tried to show her that I trusted her and only did what I could (which was bring my concern over this to her). I started a lot of the serious conversations in the relationship and towards the end, she stopped wanting to talk about things. I don’t want to know if anything more physical happen, but I just feel so goddamned stupid for still missing her after 4 months post breakup despite this happening.
She did lie to me about this guy throughout the entire relationship until I actually lost my s*** and screamed at her over it and demanded the truth. She had a crush on the guy before I came into the picture and said she wanted a break from our relationship after I told her I was thinking of breaking up (Not just over the guy, but the fact that I am not much a traveler and the amount of work I have has been digging into our relationship and vice versa). I would like to think that I am mature enough to be ok with one person could have a crush on someone outside the relationship, but if the partner is actively trying to solidify the other relationship over the one they are in, that’s fucked. It’s not the feelings of the crush that are bad, but the actual actions of doing intimate/emotional/romantic things with another person that is messed up. It does nothing else but destroy the relationship that was already made and is trying to stay built.
I wasn’t perfect in that relationship though. I got controlling and less supportive which she certainly didn’t deserve. I cancelled a date because of a stupid lab report. I tried to make it up to her by showing her the surprise I planned (get myself a passport to go to Canada or London with her). She didn’t even respond to it except put her head on my shoulder and shake her head. I also tried “helping” her with eating behaviors (she had anorexia that reappeared after a few months into the relationship). The way I tried to help was nothing short of shallow and controlling and I am so surprised and ashamed I did that. I suggested things to eat and tried to show her that having a fry with her normal meal of two pieces of chicken and a small salad will not make her fat or unhealthy. I tried to show her I loved her for who she was, not her weight or what she looked like (She was very healthy, but was too focused on calorie count). Even though I said this to her numerous times, I would also say stuff like: (after a kiss) “OO that was nice, I’d love to do that more.” She would ask “When would be the next time we could do that?” I responded “Maybe after you have a full plate of pasta.” Again, completely messed up and manipulative. No one deserves that done to them. I told myself at the time I was trying to help her, but I realize it was not my place to “fix” her. It is her journey and who the f*** am I to try and tell her what is right and wrong. I told myself I loved her and was trying to save her from herself. That sort of thinking is extremely toxic and it is no wonder why she was getting unhappy in the relationship. That is the one thing I wish I can apologize to her for today.
I didn’t know how to deal with the anorexia since I do not know anyone else (that I know of) with it so I asked my family for advice. This went against her rule of “No one can ever know”. I felt so bad that I looked to someone for advice that I told her and apologized. I told her I didn’t expect her to forgive me, but to try and understand the situation I was in.
She probably didn’t expect someone she met on Tinder to put so much into a relationship and expected it to die after a few months. Then for her to go off with the other guy after getting his attention. I just don’t understand why she couldn’t just tell me instead of leaving me in the dark and slowly distancing herself from me. Perhaps I assumed too much and tried to save myself by breaking up with her before she hurt me. Maybe she just couldn’t bring herself to end the relationship herself. I don’t know if I will ever be the same person I was before that relationship (my first serious one), whether it is for the better or for the worst. I still miss her, but I have to convince myself that the relationship is over and that it is for the best for me (and her) that we are no longer together.

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