I lost my virginity when I was 36. To back up, yes, of course I was molested as a child and grew up untrusting and terrified of s**. I was agoraphobic as a young adult and then when I finally went out and got a job, I figured I’d find someone. I didn’t. So, about 3 months before I turned 36, I posted an ad on Craigslist saying that I was 35, 300 lbs, and wanted to lose my virginity. I got 200 offers in two days. My post was flagged twice and after the second time, I let it stay closed. I was so overwhelmed by all of the responses that I put them in a folder in an email account I created for that, and forgot about them. Then, just after my 36th birthday, I ran into this dude I sort of knew at a thing and we hung out and then went back to his place.

I didn’t want to tell him but I was so freaked out that he would have known something was up, so I did tell him and he was very nice about it and we had s**. It wasn’t great but it took a long time and I didn’t o***** but he did — eventually. It had been a long time for him and he wasn’t sure if he even could, so I felt pretty accomplished. We had s** a few more times and then things got weird and I realized that even though I didn’t really care about him as a romantic partner, I also couldn’t divorce myself from having messy emotions about the whole situation.

So I went back to Craigslist and this time I found a stranger and this experience was even worse than the guy I at least liked as a person. That was about 2.5 years ago and I haven’t had s** since. I’ve still never really been on a date date (although the guy I lost my virginity to took me out to eat a bunch and once to a Mexican wrestling thing). I’ve never kissed a guy I was in love with, and I’ve never told a guy that I loved that I loved him, although I’m actually really grateful because I’ve gotten over all of them and having told them how I felt would be embarrassing now.

I’m probably wrong for not wanting to be vulnerable and not being able to be emotionally or physically intimate with people and I don’t entirely regret having had s** with two different guys that I didn’t care about but I kind of do. I at least wish I’d enjoyed it more. Or that I hadn’t been pushed into it by some sense that it wasn’t normal to want to wait until I fell for a guy who fell for me and let it happen naturally. I got some things out of the experience but honestly, I think that I might have been happier to die a 100-year-old virgin. (Not happy, just happi-ER.)

What I did learn is that I am capable of a ton of non-romantic love and I am smart and cool and funny and none of those things are a reflection of or reflected by the fact that I didn’t enjoy having s** with guys I didn’t know that well and didn’t love.

I just turned 40 and I still hope that I’ll find a match for me but I am also okay with the idea that I might not. Like, genuinely okay. This is always a place I wanted to get to because I thought that if I did, I would finally be able to attract The One. But now, even though it would be nice to find a match (I don’t believe in The One anymore), I don’t need it. I’m like, at the top of the mountain, alone, and it would be cool to share the view with someone I love with my whole heart who feels the same about me but the view doesn’t change even if no one is sitting beside me, you know? It’s still beautiful.

I actually like me better when I’m alone than when I’m around other people, so I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to be with anyone else and feel wholly secure and loved.

Anyway, I just wanted to put it out there that s** without feelings is dumb if you’re doing it because you think you should. And having s** with feelings is dumb if you’re doing that because you think you should. Do what you want. You’re the only person in the world you can’t escape from.

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