I always knew that I crave for affection and attention from women more than men. My first sexual awakening was with my classmate during my Year 9. I was painting a map of Canada (school group project) on a cardboard, when a pair of hands came up from behind and hugged me. It was just an innocent hug but she has no idea of how it affected me. I’ve been hugged by my other girl classmates but hers was different. I can feel the heat on my face while I continue my painting. I almost closed my eyes because it was relaxing and arousing at the same time, it got worse when she decided to place her chin on my shoulder (her face was close to mine) to watch me work. I almost dropped my brush but kept my cool. It was just the two of us at that time. The rest of the group are working inside the house (a group mate’s house. And I was painting in the garden before ‘it’ happened). I thought it was just a one time thing, but everything changed after that. Since were classmates, it became difficult for me to show affection towards her without malice. It was a long school year for me. Her playful hugs and friendly cheek kisses gave me a ‘not so playful’ feeling. Were not exactly best of friends and she’s also affectionate to other girls in our class, but I was feeling different. I thought all those feelings will go away after she got transferred to a different class on our Year 10. I was wrong. We would still bump into each other during lunch break and hang out a bit and her hugs still gave me that taboo feeling. I tried my best to stay away but the school is too small for my impending desire towards her. Graduation came and I thought I’m free since I’m going to a different university (40 min. bus ride from our town). I was wrong again. She was seeing someone when we met again, it was summer. I tried to be happy for her but the jealousy was still there. We became best friends and cuddle buddies (she would visit my house sometimes) when things went rough for her, especially when she broke up with her boyfriend. This went on for another year. At first it was just desire, but it became worst. I fell in love with her. University life became more difficult, studies and bottled up feelings don’t work together. It changed my personality. I decided to stay away from her again and going to a different university made it easy. I would still text her but only see each other like once every 2 weeks. It was difficult because I miss her, but it was for the best. That is until she paid a surprise visit. I was not ready for that. I just came home from studying when I found her sitting on my bed. She was more affectionate than the usual and everything that I’ve bottled up came rushing back. I don’t know for how long, but she noticed that something was off and started asking questions. She was trying to make me drop the bomb and I’m not ready at that time. After calming myself (and offering to walk her to the nearest bus station), I told her that I love her and mumbled “more than a friend” as fast as I could. She managed to catch on. It was a silent walk to the bus station. But before boarding she said “I love you”. It was more of a whisper but very clear.
We started dating after that. She was my first. All my desires towards her from year 9 were laid to rest, when she offered herself to me. She’s my first love (and lust). It went on for a year. But society was not very accepting then as it was now. We tried to make it work. It was painful. She’s also my first heartbreak. All of these happened and nobody in my family knows.
It’s been years. She’s already married and has a son. I’m also married but it was not planned. “Accidents” happen when you’re being irresponsible. Still, I got married to a responsible man. And that’s it. I saw her once (in Facebook). I can’t help but smile and feel sad at the same time. She looked very tired. Her smile was different. The sparkle was gone. Sometimes, I would think about her. Imagining if things just worked out. But this is reality. I wish I should have been more brave.
