I have dark fantasies about mutilating/maiming dogs. I try to focus all of those thoughts into my art. So I go on furry websites and post my fucked up drawings there. I live in these fantasies online, but it’s starting to effect my real world. More and more thoughts flood my head. I’m sick, and I want to seek help, but I’m terrified. I feel like I’m suffocating. It has gotten to the point where I’ve even considered suicide as a viable option. I don’t want to hurt animals, but I do at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not even sure at this point. I just wanna understand, why I am like this? I’m just so tired of my sadistic side popping into my mind, every fucking conceivable time I have a chance to think. I’ve tried to numb the pain with weed and alcohol, but to be honest, it just makes my thoughts more prolific. God, I wish to be normal for once. Whenever I try to talk about my zoosadism issues I just get called fucking edgy. I fear if I keep on going without any help I’m going to do something I will regret. My fantasies might even become a reality. I know the phrase “You’re the master of your own destiny.” or whatever, but I feel as if sometimes, that simply just isn’t true. Like an out of body experience. The darkness swallows you up. No escape. No respite. Just sexually driven rage. Hatred, pure hatred. And the most terrifying part is simply not knowing why I’m hardwired this way. I feel guilty, even though I’ve done nothing wrong yet. Everyday I wake up I hate myself more and more. I think I’m going insane. I should probably go to sleep now.
