You raised me. You nurtured me for the first years of my life. I used to call you my best friend.
It’s not my fault that I fell for someone you don’t approve of. I can’t choose who I fall in love with. I can’t control who makes me happy. I can’t control who I’m destined for, how I have aged mentally, or who I find myself attracted to. I don’t know why I love him, Dad. He makes me feel like I can fly, like I have never done any wrong, like I am completely innocent to this world. I’ve never felt like this all of my life. Now that I have met him, I have been reborn. You don’t get that; I know. He’s your age, and that’s so frowned upon in today’s society.
But Dad, I’m still the same person. I’m still the little girl you taught how to ride a bike. I’m still the little girl you used to drop off at Kindergarten. I’m still the little girl you got hooked on rock music. I’m still the little girl you teased, carried around, and played catch with. I haven’t changed. I miss being with you. I miss being your best friend. I miss that connection we used to have.
I know you never really got over me hating myself. I know you get disappointed by the choices I’m making. Really though, Dad, I won’t let you live vicariously through me. I’m not going to be the passive girl that I used to be. I’m not going to make a decision just because you tell me to. I’m my own person. I don’t strive to go to some fancy school, get some fancy degree, and work some fancy job. Right now, I’m focused on living my life to my definition of full potential. I don’t need some fancy education. I don’t need some young, loving guy. I don’t need some well-paying job and a big house. This may seem weird to you, but I’m totally fine living in a two-bedroom house with my babe, struggling to pay the bills, playing three gigs a week, and only eating bagels for months at a time to pay for my new guitar. That, to me, is happiness. Being surrounded by people/the person I love and my music. I don’t need or want to do anything else.
You will probably never accept that. I’m not the same person you are. I am my own person, and I’m just waiting for you to accept that person. I wish that I didn’t get mad whenever I saw you. I wish that I didn’t want to sob every time there was a father-daughter scene in a movie. I never thought we would be this way. I wish we could go back to how things used to be. Before you knew about him, how I feel inside, or my grades. When you were out of my head, we were happy. I wish we could be happy again. I miss how we used to be… But I know it can never be that way again. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry I didn’t turn out the way you expected me to.
