i want you to be present. i don’t want to be alone. i miss your presence and the fact that i feel like i can escape from who i am and be a different person when i am with you. i am scared right now. scared and alone and i want to text you to come hold me. but you’ve said no several times and i know that you don’t like me. that i must be too ugly or too crazy(?) or too ‘mechanical’. you don’t like me. if i text you, i shatter my dignity and i relinquish some of my personhood. but the small hope that you will do as i wish makes me consider the consequences against the sliver of a possibility. i am a rational mind. i know that this is not good for me or my goals. i know it is not kind to you. you owe me nothing and i deserve none of this pain.
