I keep seeing your name everywhere and it seems like you’re all I think about… I dream about you, I hold my breath every time I see you online in the hopes that you’ll talk to me, and I smile like an idiot when we text. Talking to you is one of my favorite things, I can do it for hours and still want more. You’re smart, handsome, talented…everything about you drives my senses haywire. I want you so bad that I feel like I can’t control myself sometimes. You are one of the most amazing human beings I’ve ever met and you know it.
But I’m sorry that I was so forward with you. I can’t say I regret touching you, and I know you say not to worry, but I can’t help but feel that I’ve done irreparable damage to our friendship after what I did. I know it wouldn’t be right to do anything with you. I know it’s cheating… I’m not stupid and I definitely knew what I was doing, so I wont make excuses. Sometimes I think you might also feel some attraction towards me, you always seem to hint at it. But I can never tell and I doubt myself constantly. I’m always torn between feeling hopeful and guilty. Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry…
I told him last night how I felt our relationship is going downhill, and it’s been going that way for a while. I’m not ready to marry him. I can’t feel attracted to him. He can be controlling and makes me feel bad about myself a lot. I still want him in my life, and an almost 4 year relationship isn’t easy to toss aside, but I don’t feel the same about him as I used to. Our relationship feels stale and forced. I love him, but I can’t say for sure that I’m still in love with him.
I don’t know what to do anymore…
