i don’t think i’ve ever disgusted and hated myself this much before. I went back on one of my own golden rules. I lied for months to my girlfriend who I’m head over heels for – partly because I wanted to protect her from hurt, to keep things OK, and partly for my own selfish fear of losing her.
A few months ago we were hardly talking for a few weeks, hardly seeing each other. It really felt like she was starting to not love me. Of course my weak a** didn’t speak to her very directly about this except for once, but not enough. I should’ve expressed myself better. I thought we were going to break up. Rather, I thought she was going to break up with me.
I went over to my best girl-friend’s house strictly platonically, and my feelings on our (my girlfriend and I) relationship, my misconception that this friend of mine was coming onto me, my drunkenness, my need to fill the void that our relationship was exhibiting… all combined to lead me to place my hand on that girl’s hip as we laid in bed together. It started platonic but over the course of the night I found myself putting my hand there. Something I thought I’d never do. I always thought I’d be the last person to be untrue to my girlfriend.
She said nothing. I asked if she wanted space. She said yes, I apologized, turned over, we both slept a bit longer, and I explained to her why the urge came over me, apologized again and vowed it’d never happen again.
I didn’t tell my girlfriend ): I’m a coward… I don’t deserve her.
Months pass and my girlfriend hears through the grapevine of this – very vaguely. Worst situation possible. F***!
I lie. I tell her I woke up with my hand on her hip and promptly took it off. She says it’s OK. She tells all her worried friends that I didn’t do anything wrong.
Another month passes and I can’t keep it in anymore. I had to tell her the truth. And I did. Every bit of it. She said she wasn’t mad at what I did with my friend, but that I lied to her for so long and made her look like a fool in front of her friends.
F***…
I can’t believe I did this. I really can’t. G*******. I anticipate losing her – perhaps not forever but I do anticipate losing her.
The thing is I really learned my lesson. I’ll never keep something from her ever again. Straight up. I really won’t.
But how can she believe me when I say that? After lying to her looking in her eyes? I wouldn’t believe me if I were her.
If I were her I think I’d just leave me and be done with.
She’s the best woman I know. I can’t believe I did this… I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe it. I feel as though I’m not living in the universe I was living in before.
I thought I was agnostic but… God – whatever higher power is out there – please give me one more chance. Just one. Just a second chance, not a third. I can right my wrongs. I can. I intend to. Let me be the best person I can be.
F***.
