22-02-11(14:21:45)

I don’t know what happened to me yesterday. I was about to destroy everything, wanted to stop medication, to quit my job, to kill myself. My stomach was hurting me like hell. I couldn’t control myself and was about to cry in public.
I know what started everything. That visit to the gynecologist. When he was talking with his assistant about me as if I wasn’t there, same situation when I was 17, my first exam but it was between my doctor and my mom. I got back to all the s***.
At 17 at that exam all what happened with my uncle got back to me, and the same situation happened recently.
I cannot find any solution except suicide. I deserve all what is happening me. I tried to defeat nature in every way and here it is.
The first day when all began when I was back home my father punished me and my sister for something I don’t remember what. I had that impression that it was because of what happened.
Lot of feelings. He didn’t touch my body. Its pervert but I wish he did because at the moment I thought that my body was disgusting. At the beginning I thought it was a privilege for me. He was the star of the family, he had like 10 nieces and I was the one he preferred. And when he stopped I felt neglected and that I did something wrong. I was the one who seduced him and that he hated me for what I’ve done. After this, I stopped thinking about it like a black hole. I forgot about it for years…
My stomach is hearting me so much. I just called the assistant of Dr ؟؟؟ and she told me I have to take it earlier with a meal. Or I am taking it at midnight before sleeping. I am feeling so bad. Feeling so bad.
I had a very stormy session with Dr ؟؟؟ not between me and him. But because of regressing like I did.

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