I’m a fucking mess and I hate everything.

My best friend tore me apart when she decided a guy was more important then me.
Especially when it was the guy that she knew I had strong feelings for.

I got a new best friend, but he has his own issues that go beyond anything I can do to help him.
He throws my past in my face because he can’t control his own, but I know he doesn’t mean it.

I’m constantly talking to people but never in my life have I felt so fucking alone.

The guy I like is dating my ex-best friend and it hurts like a motherfucker because he told me he cared about me.

The guy I tried to move on with is inlove with another girl who deserves him way more then I do so I’m okay with letting him go.
But now I’ve been slingshot back into the pit of missing my old love.

I’m failing most of my classes and I can’t fail them because I have big dreams that I know would make my life a thousand times better.

I have chronic insomnia and get regular panic attacks where I shake and can’t breathe.
The people who used to make it better are now together and I’ve been hurt and cast aside by them.

My friends always ask why I’m constantly drawing on myself or covering myself with henna.
Its because until I’m old enough to get a real tattoo I don’t want people to see the moments of weakness on my wrists or hips.

I sit up late at night hugging myself, tears streaming down my face, begging for things to go back to the way they were.

I waste every 11:11 wish and every shooting star and every eyelash on a wish I know deep in my heart can’t come true, but I still close my eyes as tight as I can, wiggle my nose and wish as hard as I can that things could go back to the way they used to be.

When I was happy and when things were okay for me.

Things were always bad for me, and then for a month things were okay and I thought that this was finally the end of the storm.
Until I was hurdled back into the eye of the storm.

I’m tired and I want to sleep forever.
And I think this time I might just take that little pill to make it happen.

One Response to “20-12-14(1:31:55)”

  1. Anonymous

    you seem hella young. the feels are shitty (you have a shit friend, tbh) and will pass. you’ll learn and grow into a fab person, because you’ll understand that you dont go kicking people in the nuts, and hurting the fuck out of peeps just because it feels good to you. take a big breath, take another. look up. every moment has the potential to change the future. your future can be shaped, but it needs action, even if the feelings not there it will come. and you’ll find your love. and you’ll be his love. <3 but for now, you take care. and keep trucking!

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