19-01-11(18:15:14)

  • 13 years ago
  • 247 Views

We were at his place, me and a bunch of friends.
They left and I stayed. you see, we had something going on, i liked him. I think he did too, no im sure he did too.
Because you see, he raped me that night, but he wasnt violant. the look in his eyes wasnt an angry look, it was kind of coming from love.
Love? yeah, i lost the meaning of that word. He took everything that night. I was 15. I didnt know what he was doing with me, nor the sensations i was having during.
He touched me in all the places i didnt want him too.
He talked to me, that was the worst part, he asked me i liked it, and guess what? i was ashamed to say yes, so i said no. and that made him want more.
You see, i always immagined my frst time to be with someone i loved, on the beach maybe, in the forest. I wanted it to be special. Well, it was indeed special.
I didnt really say no, i just let him do what he wanted, touch me where he wanted, tell me what he wanted.
Maybe if i had said no, maybe he would have stopped. If i had hit him, maybe he would have understood that i wasnt ready for this.
Everybody tells me that this is my body, and no one’s allowed to touch me without my conscent, but.. what if that’s not how i feel?
I dont feel anything anymore. I had all those sensations when i didnt want to. And now that i do, i dont.
Simply confess? not that easy.. confess, hmm let’s see.. It has to be the same way as the r*** for me to enjoy it. that counts as a confession right?
I can’t even feel when my girlfriend kisses me, and I LOVE HER!! I can’t even be with her, it suffocates me..
AND I LOVE HER.. yes, with her, i remembered what that word meant,i gained my smile back, i sleep again.
I’m scared of hurting her. Of hurting everyone around me. And i know that i am..
But i know one thing though, It’s not the end.

All Comments

  • I am a bit lost here … are you a guy or a girl?

    Anonymous January 19, 2011 7:48 pm Reply
  • I love you… more than anything in my life…
    just.. don’t look back in anger and no it won’t be the end 🙂

    Anonymous January 19, 2011 7:49 pm Reply
  • i don’t know if what i am about to say is going to help you or not but i sure hope it does.

    when it comes to the rape thing, keep in mind that it wasn’t your fault. you might be telling yourself that you should have done something “hit him”… the reason you didn’t say or do anything might be fear, fear of him becoming violent, fear of him in general. come to think of it you actually did say something, you said that you didn’t like it and he should have stopped then and there; regardless of how you really felt whether you did like it or not.
    i don’t know if you already did it, but i would advise you to talk to someone, a psychologist or someone you trust about it, maybe they can help you. you say you don’t feel anything anymore maybe if you try to think of it with someone you might figure out the exact reason why you dont feel anything anymore…… i dont know…..

    about your girlfriend, i don’t know what to say… i wish i could tell you to forget about everybody and just be with her but then i would be misleading you. you see, we live in a society that does not accept homosexuality and that is more than consumed by homophobia. so your story would be doomed to fail. Unless you are willing to stand against those people and fight for your love for her and make your relationship work, unless you are sure of what it is you want from the relationship and you are fully assuming it, it is then and only then that you will be able to live your love life with your girlfriend.
    have you talked to her about it? do you think that she is the one for you? if you care about her that much would you consider leaving and living somewhere where you can be 2gether? i am only asking those questions because of what you said and the words you used to say it:
    “I can’t even feel when my girlfriend kisses me, and I LOVE HER!! I can’t even be with her, it suffocates me..
    AND I LOVE HER.. yes, with her, i remembered what that word meant,i gained my smile back, i sleep again.”

    good luck and let me know what happens with you =)
    i hope that i helped you in some way no matter how small it might be.
    Sasha.

    Anonymous January 19, 2011 8:03 pm Reply
  • Hey, I know who you are, and you should listen to Sasha,
    Because as I said before, it was never your fault. And it is not easy, but you can get there, and you will. You shouldn’t have stopped getting the help, because that’s the only person who can help you not “suffocate” and who can help you get to these beautiful and real feelings, instead of wanting to be treated violently.
    You’re sleeping again, it’s a huge step. You’re smiling.
    Ne baisse pas les bras. Tu n’es pas seule, si tu as remarque.

    Anonymous January 19, 2011 9:54 pm Reply
  • Je taime, Dont ever doubt that.

    Anonymous January 22, 2011 8:46 am Reply

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