My sister did that to me as well when we were kids. I guess I locked it away in my brain because I couldn’t understand why I hated physical contact so much and why I was always disgusted by her touch and even her smell. I was forced to share a room with her growing up and even though I felt weird when she’d do that stuff to me, I was much too young (maybe just too innocent) to understand what was going on. It wasn’t until she was going through withdrawal because she’s been taking up to 50 pills of antidepressants a day and I had to sit and nurse her that it all came back rushing to me.
She remembers anything anyone’s ever done to her but she’s never grateful for any good. She’d remember the little good she’s done for me and hold it over my head for years. But she never remembers what’s she’s done to others.
I blame her for being so messed up, for being emotionally stunned, for hating hugs from friends and being afraid of sitting too close to anyone including my parents.
It’s not very easy to be mentally healthy at this time and age… But I can fight all my demons.. all but this one
