I’m a bottomless pit of negative thoughts and contradictions.

Almost everything I feel and think is normal but I’m finding it hard to accept it as it is.
It feels so massive… so huge that I don’t think anyone can comprehend.
Or maybe they do understand and that I’m the only one who is making things complicated.

I compare.
I cannot appreciate all the blessings that God and my parents have given me.
I never felt hungry nor do I lack the basic needs in life.
I’m not too dumb because I do well in school.
I’ve been gifted with the skills and the talent.
I can do a lot of things if I just put my mind to it.

I can but I won’t.
That’s the hard truth.

I currently hold one of the biggest responsibilities in school.

I’m still the same person as I was… but the position I hold requires me to step outside of that boundary which takes a lot of toll on my energy just thinking about it.
I can’t think fast enough and smart enough in order to cope with the needs of my peers and org mates.
I’m not strong enough to handle the criticisms and the emotions of people that are clearly reflected in their eyes.

DISAPPOINTMENT.
ANGER.
RESENTMENT.
LOSE OF TRUST.
ANNOYANCE.

I’m not confident enough to stand on my own beliefs. Do I even have my own belief?

I don’t know what I stand for.
I ran for something because people believed in me.

My biggest mistake was, people believed in me but I don’t believe in myself.
How do you represent something or someone if you lack faith in yourself.

I want to go back and make things simpler. But there’s no turning back.
People tell me to move forward but the things that I foresee makes my knees weak and my heart weep.
Let me lose this battle today for I have learned my lessons.
I want a fresh start, a lighter heart for tomorrow.

If I could jump into a pit and lose myself into the oblivion, I would.
But I love my family too much to give them grief and make them lose a child in just a blink of an eye.
I want to sink like a ship…

I want an excuse to escape this reality even just for a moment.

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