I have been afraid of intimacy since I can remember. Im not sure exactly where it came from, but I have my theories.
My parents. They were never the hug and feelings type so I wasn’t either. My father shamed and condemned feelings in general. He said that emotions where for the weak minded and I believed him. He reprimanded my mom for being too emotional. So now, I feel weak and ashamed every time I cry or talk about my feelings. I don’t feel like showing affection such as hugging and kissing bc I feel like it’s shame worthy and cheesy. I think I should be better than emotions and that I shouldn’t have them (I know it’s ridiculous but I can’t help feeling that way).
I fear getting close to people physically. For example I will not allow myself to be in a relationship for fear of rejection. I even consider myself asexual but not for lack of s***** fantasies but because I just fear rejection too much. Im scared that I will repulse people specially right now that I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder and in turn depression and an anxiety disorder. I believe these mental health issues have taken a toll on my body as well.
I have developed a skin condition in my scalp. I think is Psoriasis and somehow it has also made my hair extremely greasy and frizzy. I take hours to get ready and to fix my hair, even a bit so it doesn’t look as awful. Despite my efforts, it looks disgusting and Im always afraid and almost sure that people do notice it. So I try to hide it.
I have also developed halitosis (chronic bad breath) it’s really bad. So Im always chewing gum, drowning in mouth wash and just keeping away from people. I never get too close or let them near my mouth so they won’t smell me.
I just can’t make an effort. It takes too much energy that I don’t have. I dress so poorly and my posture is even worse (slouching and I don’t even have the energy to tuck in my stomach).
Im just so paranoid that I smell bc I feel like my digestion is crap… I feel like Im rotting inside.
I also sweat like crazy.
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Yeah I don’t blame you if you feel like you have a hard time with relationships because you didn’t have the healthiest relationship with your parents. I think a lot of people don’t have healthy relationship with their parents. I think people are lucky to have a healthy relationship with their parents. But unfortunately moms and dads how their issues. And sometimes you can’t relate to them as people and sometimes they say they love you but don’t act like it. So, when they are negative often it makes it hard for you to accept anything really good in your life.