met a guy at a resi program for kids w mental illness and drug abuse. after i was discharged, found him over social media. we talked, i was unsure of my feelings for him but i wanted to see where things went. i ended up relapsing, things were crazy and he wasn’t really on my mind during all of this. i was hospitalized and after i was discharged i texted him, saying that i couldn’t have a relationship then bc i needed to focus on my health. he got really upset with me. and wouldn’t talk to me.
two days ago we inadvertently found each other on kik. he was really hurt. i found out he jumped in front of a car because i distanced myself from him. He’s bed bound. Dislocated and broken a bunch of s***, too much to remember…we talked on the phone and he told me that he loved me. anyways the point of this was supposed to be that i feel guilty bc I’m leading him on again. I have really bad depersonalization disorder and it’s hard for me to really “feel”? Like, everything’s numb all the time. So that makes it easy to hurt people because it all feels like a movie, or like people around me aren’t real.
but writing this? I think I’m in love with him.
It must have been fate, right? I’m not a big believer in it, but. We end up at the same program. We didn’t really even talk then, so I never got his phone number. I downloaded this dumb a** hook up app that I would never have gotten if it weren’t for my friend who told me to. I find his profile. This kid I hadn’t talked to for months. His profile photo was literally a picture of him standing outside of our program. We had a falling out, and after that, we didn’t talk for months. And then I download kik, which I hadn’t used in years and after a week of having it?? His contact pops up and I accidentally hit chat…
I sound like a f****** lunatic but that’s a crazy amount of coincidences for this to happen. And I really like him. And that’s so hard for me because I’m so numb to everything. I haven’t felt any real emotion for months. F***.
I think I’m really falling for him. Holy s***.
