2017 has been the worst year of my life. I lost my best friends and made no effort to get them back. I treated my body like s***, eating unhealthy food and drinking too much. I showed no ambition in bettering my life because I thought the money I was making was good enough. A little over a month ago I started having stomach problems. I didn’t have insurance so I just let it go but it didn’t get better. I finally got short term health insurance but I feel it may be too late. A few days ago i found a lump on my neck and went to the doctor. I am currently waiting on results of a blood test but before I could even speak to my doctor he scheduled an appointment for me to have it looked at by a specialist. These past weeks have been the most depressing times of my life. I have been getting at most 3 hours of sleep a night. I’ve lost so much weight that coworkers are commenting how frail I look. I haven’t been able to live the life I’ve wanted to, and worse of all I have put so much stress on my girlfriend of 10 years. I can see her getting frustrated and scared about me and I can’t do anything about it. I have resigned myself to the fact that I may have cancer and may die from it. I just wish I could do it without putting her through any of it. She doesn’t deserve the hardships I’ve brought on her. To top it all off this is all happening a month before we were supposed to go on our first real vacation together and I was going to propose. I realize my life has been me planning on doing things, then just waiting for them to happen for me. The only thing I can say I’ve accomplished is that I have made one person truly happy, and even that is being thrown the the wayside with how much damage I’m doing to her. If I am going to die I want it to be fast so she doesn’t have to suffer. If I’m not, and I’m overreacting I would love to say that I will change my ways and do everything I’ve always said I would do but honestly I know I wouldn’t. I would fall back into my old ways because that’s who I am. I am a failure at this life whose only redeeming quality was the happiness he brought one person. That one person is the only thing that really matters to me and that is why its so hard to see her suffer. To anyone who reads this, if you find yourself with someone like I have, hold them hard, love them harder, and never take them for granted.
