My dog is the only reason I am still alive.
My son is a human, he can understand where mummy’s gone and he has his dad.
Noone would be able to explain to my dog where I went, she would never understand and she doesn’t like any other humans other than me.
I literally have noone else who would miss me.
I have tried my whole life to ‘fit in’ with people. At school, at college, at the work place, at the pub/club….. I even travelled the world but I never could relate to anyone. Friendships never last, people don’t care or seem to like me longer than the initial meeting. Love life has been a disaster. Cheated on, dumped out of the blue, domestic violence, lied to….. I’m 33 and I’ve not had a relationship for over 4 years. After having my son I’ve piled in a lot of weight, which I lost then it piled back on again…. Having previously always been ‘skinny’ I feel ashamed to be out in public because of my weight. Which doesn’t help with the whole meeting people thing. It’s been so long since I’ve been out socially that I have anxiety attacks at the idea of it.
I do have my own successful business, I love it and I am proud of it. My working day is being outside all day but having no interactions with people. Evenings are spent alone once my son is in bed.
Apart from being with my dog. My dog is loyal and loves me unconditionally. We have a fab relationship and we are together 24/7. If I ever have to leave her at home she howls constantly until I’m back home with her, she has separation anxiety and tbh I have separation anxiety too when I’m away from her…
She would never understand if I was suddenly gone. Dead. She would neve get over it. It is that thought that stops me from killing myself.
When she goes, I doubt I would survive much longer after that. I want her to have a long and happy life with me, but when she does eventually go (hopefully peacefully of old age) it will be a release for me to finally leave this planet and away from all the human beings who won’t even miss me or notice I’m gone. Goodbye to the loneliness and never being good enough for people.
