• 7 years ago
  • 245 Views

I think that with A I was a little bit more aware that what I really was wanting from him was love and connection. I forced myself to have s** a few times in the beginning of our fling, even though it really hurt. I eventually settled for the s** and little connection I could get with him and was very grateful for even that connection. With M, I wasn’t really into him but I wanted to feel desirable to him so I indulged him for a while. Most of all I was lonely and just needed some attention. I have flirted with people, friends like A and even women. Trying to entice people to get attention. I’d never intended to do anything more with them but I ended up using them anyways for an ego boost. I felt really bad about that when I realized that I was like that. I try to get validation from other people. I did it with H, talking a lot to him about s**, trying to get him to respond to me in the way that I wanted him to but eventually giving up on him and losing interest in him s*******. He just doesn’t turn me on anymore but I am feeling him more distant so I feel myself beginning to turn to s** slowly, in order to feel closer to him. I think what I want is connection and emotional fulfillment but I can’t ever get that from him or anybody else. I feel blocked from connecting with other people.

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