I have the urge to kill myself almost every day. I find life exquisitely beautiful and horrifying at the same time. There’s so much wonder and beauty and so much pain and utter horridness we cause. And I can’t handle either, really. So it comes down to inability to manage my own emotional state, I know. (Not bipolar….it’s not about being manic or depressed, it’s about the experience of living).
I’ve felt this way since my early teens. And I just get tired of it, and just want some peace.
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I think I am experiencing a partially similar life to you, I want peace for myself too.
<3