I am beyond exhausted from being alone for five years. It would be great to finally find someone I can be vulnerable with on an intimate level. I will never settle for someone that I cannot feel an immediate bond. I have felt this bond before, and if things have gone differently, I would have shared my life with those people. But things ended, and that is okay. We never dated, but the short time we share has always profoundly changed me as a person. When things ended, it felt devastating and I felt actual heartbreak, despite not being in a relationship. I know, beyond certainty, that the bond I had was not love, but a true connection that I can’t possibly describe. I am continuously searching for that bond I have felt before. I know eventually I will find it. I probably have a reputation of non-committal with many people who wished to form a relationship with me, but I disengage because I don’t feel it. They don’t know the feelings I have felt from sharing that beautiful, almost unreal connection with a person. I will not become vulnerable for someone on a foundation of the superficial. People have told me to allow that bond to grow. It won’t grow. It doesn’t grow. It’s instant and already present. It just merely needs to be discovered. What these people are asking me to do is compromise. When it comes to this, I will not. But still, this crusade I have is a lonely one. Maybe I am a more whole person due to my time alone, but the subtle pain I feel is ever present. I have become so accustomed to it. But I continue to search. The memories of the feelings I have had before gives me hope. I will not die alone, but I will never settle. I will be loved and vulnerable for the person who will complete my life.
