blanck, means light, isn’t that ironic? I won’t say anything against my family, because there is good there. But, I am a cynic, is it because of the family I am a part of? Our genes are not friendly, however, I was lucky. My parents are not alcoholics, they do not thrive on other’s failures, and they are good. Not perfect, nobody’s perfect, and we are a tortured family. Tortured souls, but good ones. A hard worker, our one flaw is pride. I try to stay away from it from the egotistical, depressed tendencies I am infected with. From the knowledge that no family is good, even those that I know. I think very highly of myself, it’s an idiotic pursuit, but I surround myself with the very people I hate, intelligent sociopaths, and egotistical geniuses. I have been given a unique skill, I can handle them. Mental illness runs deep very deep in my family, genetics are killer. Along with intelligence, being the daughter of someone who is smart, someone who knows they are smart isn’t ideal. I grew up with the fundamental knowledge that the world is ugly, scary, horrible, and I am a scared person, but I am also an enigma. I claim to hate those who love themselves, but I love myself and I hate myself. I love to hate myself. Most people don’t like being sick, don’t like toxic smells or stubbing their toes. I am clumsy, is it because I don’t have a good sense of balance, or because I am sick, and I like it when the pain sets in. They have a word for what I am, constantly trying to diagnose myself with something, anything. Either I am plagued with problems or I am severely lacking in anything that makes me special. I am more intelligent than the average person, or maybe I’m not, perhaps I have tricked myself into thinking that I am. It is this kind of thought that will get me nowhere in life. Philosophers are not needed in a world without morals. A world that will be destroyed, that will rise anew. I know that I’ll never see the next world. So, I continue my pointless pondering. Life is oh so incredibly annoying. It would be so much easier to end it, but then other people would suffer. And I would never get to travel to Europe or see how this thing plays out. I know that the people around me have problems, maybe I want them too. Is it because I surround myself with the mentally ill that I long so deeply to be sick? Because the fundamental human desire to fit in kicks in? I am not a good person, I lie. I am a pathological liar, I am a guilt tripper, a manipulator, and I just want people to feel bad for me. No. That isn’t true, I don’t want people to feel bad for me, and I just want to feel bad for myself. I don’t want to be healthy, I love to starve, and I love to hurt. I develop feelings, just to mull over them for months, just to wallow in the pain of knowledge. Self-pity. Poor me. Poor little white girl who has never had to deal with true suffering. Yes, my dad had major surgery, yes someone was shot outside my house. Yes, I tried and failed to starve myself, yes I am always sick. Yes, I try to diagnose myself constantly. Yes, I find life exhausting. But, no, I am not the victim of anything. So what, my mind doesn’t like me, so what? I only write this because of my constant craving for attention, because I worry that I might kill myself someday. No I don’t think I will, yes I let myself spiral out of control more often than I would like to admit. Sure, I can’t seem to do anything right, I’m not even an intelligent person. I’m just an idiot like every other normal person on this planet. And I would just love to be special, I would love it, but I’m not special. No one cares about me. I’m just a teenage girl with a crush who doesn’t care about me. With the fundamental love of life. I love others’ lives so much, but I don’t treat mine like it is anything to care about. I can talk for hours. I’m miss chatty chat chatter, but whatever. I just wish I would stop talking, but I want people to like me, and they do. Maybe I’m a little odd, but I’m really not. The only thing that sets me apart from all the rest of the people on this miserable planet is that I know I’m normal, I know that my life will never amount to anything; I know that no one’s lives really amount to anything. What’s the point of fixing a broken world? What’s the point, my life is great, it’s seriously amazing, but it doesn’t get rid of the deep set anger with me. I found my problem a while ago. I love misery. I’m addicted to pain and suffering and pity. Isn’t that great? At least I’m tough, but I’m never gonna be happy because there are too many people in this world that hate happiness. I already know that the world is in shambles, I already know that the only thing that I can do on this planet is try to be kind. Really. It seems pointless sometimes. At least the person I like is fun to be around. But really, my presence isn’t appreciated by anyone else. I am a selfish selfish human. And the worst part is that these thoughts aren’t even my own, they don’t belong to me. They belong to my family. I really wish that I could have a good life, but it doesn’t seem likely. Anyone who really gets to know who I am would know that I am a basic human being. The shadows that follow me under my mind’s influence are always hunting for my quickened heartbeat and i’m just hunting for attention so what does it matter. I’m halfway convinced that i make it all up just to set myself apart. And that’s just fine. It suits me, I don’t care about anyone else and whatever, I don’t even care about myself. That’s how lousy I am. And oh how addicting that knowledge is. It is incredibly addictive. People tell me I could do things. But I am too lazy and pathetic and sick to even consider it. So whatever, some people want to watch the world burn; I guess I’m one of them. And isn’t that just the saddest thing you’ve ever heard, that normal is hating yourself, normal is hating life. There are so many people like me, it’s sickening. So I hide it under jokes, just like everyone else. Because I like to have a good time, just like everyone else. I’m the most average mess i’ve ever seen. Lol trolled u i’m just an emo wannabe so whatever. I’m actually pretty cool with my life ha ha ha ha hahhahahha ahahha a ha ah aha ah you got fooled fools
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