As much as it pains me this is my confession to make. I am a 30 year old woman struggling with a very low-self-esteem and I feel like I can’t shut off the self doubt inside my head. I have no real accomplishments. I’m not sure if I have really anything to be proud of? I feel like a genuine Misfit and I feel like a nobody and I feel like a loser. I feel like I need serious help with my low self-esteem and I know I suffer from depression on and off and that I am bipolar and as a child I was labeled with attention deficit disorder and I’m not sure if I truly genuinely had attention deficit disorder. The being in special ed made me feel really low about myself. Also struggling with a dyslexic disorder maybe feel really low about myself. I’m not so sure if I truly have attention deficit disorder because I believe my mom had some mental disorder where she at her introduced me to the disorder that I was led to believe I had. So far to my understanding I’m believing this is a genuine lie that I was about to believe in now that I’m a grown up, and I had suspicions for years of adulthood years that my mother has Munchausen by proxy disorder, because she tried to get me on disability before as a child when I was way too young to classifiers truly having attention deficit just yet because I was at that age where my brains not completely develop, I believe she premeditated things, I believe she premeditated she wanted me to be on disability so I was a child, and and I think she intentionally took me to quack doctors who are not truly qualified to label me with attention deficit disorder. I was classified as mentally retarded too and that is where I found out that was a lie. So you can see where lot of that low self-esteem is coming from? And I also heard that children that take Ritalin at a very young age are more prone to having depression at an early age. I also know that I have other emotional problems just because my parents they fought a lot and my mom would tell that she was going to divorce my father but never followed through with it. She also wanted me to be on her side and not my father side. And I felt at times like she wanted to distance me from my father. So I have these resentment issues with her and I want to let them go but don’t know how to. I’m sick of feeling angry at her. Because she’s my mother and I love her but I think she has issues. Like I don’t think she’s all right in the head. But when I was 13 I seen a counselor for my depression. And very counselor told me to stoping listening to my mother’s negativity. So my mother flips out like is overdramatic Diva and makes it all about her and says I’m not going to take you to this counselor ever again because she’s trying to turn you against me. Is this really upset me that my mom had to be so immature like that. When was clear that that counselor was trying to help me emotionally and then she tries to rip me away from her. But when I was younger I just insisted on being naive with her. So I guess I’m also quite upset with myself for listening to her. But it just seems like even if I do try to keep an optimistic mind nothing seems to work out for me in the end and I feel like a failure. I wish I had more accomplishments. I wish I didn’t have to envy the other people for the lifes have and they have more accomplishments than me, and some people have everything handed to them it don’t even appreciate any of what’s handed to them. And I just wish I could be a their shoes instead of mine. I’m really sick of self-hatred and being self-loving but I don’t know what to do with myself. I also do I have severe trust issues and it makes it really hard for me to envelop healthy relationship that is a romantic relationship. I’m sick of having emotional scars and emotional problems. I’m sick of feeling like no one understands me. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not a truly appreciated. I’m sick of feeling like I’m stuck it’s a black hole feeling confused. Now by this at 20 I should have been able to figure myself out at that point but I haven’t been able to now that I’m 30 even. I even try to publish a book but learn the hard lesson of the fact that you can’t rely on every Publishing Company because the one I did business with was a scamming Publishing Company. So I feel highly disappointed in myself that I didn’t even make money off at the book that I published as an author. I should have done the research too. But I didn’t do the research. I just want to be able to find my niche and I want to find something that I am really good at doing. So far the only things I think that really work out for much for me are art and poetry but I don’t make money off of it. So I really want to figure myself out now that I’m 30 and and I don’t want to waste away in a small town going nowhere. I clearly hate the small town I live in. I couldn’t feel happier with the small town. I’m bored with my life and I’m bored with the small town I live in. I want to go out and see the World and Travel. And I’ve had dreams ever since I was a child of becoming an actress. I also think I would like to be a comedian since it seems makes sense that I have a sense of humor and I also want to be a rockstar. Because Marilyn Manson said himself that if you have a lot of emotional scars you’ll be more successful as a rockstar. Because you can’t just simply say you’re going to be a rockstar. Because you have to come from a place of having a lot of emotional scars. And I can relate to that cuz I have a lot of emotional scars. So a lot of the Poetry I do write is highly depressive and writing poetry is very therapeutic for me. So if I write a lot of depressive poetry then its because its my way of expressing my feelings. Because I find it hard to express my feelings when I talk about them. And I feel like people really don’t listen to me when I talk about my feelings I always have to make it about them and their life. And when I’m depressed I can’t just simply snap out of it and be a perfect person or freind. I feel like me and my friend do fight a lot because of that. Like we b*** heads a lot because of my depression and my sadness turning into anger. I also think we fight a lot just because we’re both genuine Hot Heads. Knowing that my zodiac sign is an Aries I am very guilty of blowing up every time I get angry. Because I find it so hard to talk about my more sensitive feelings I guess it’s a lot easier to just express my feelings though anger. Don’t get me wrong there are times I could express my sadness really easily. But I feel like what I express my sadness no one truly wants to listen. And it feel like it’s the biggest burden and I have is being an empath who needs someone who truely listens to me. I find it a struggle that even if I’m an empath and empaths are often healers sometimes we even struggle to heal ourselves and to keep positive and I said times we need other empaths for help emotionally to heal. But I’m just so sick of feeling like everybody’s caught up in their personal life to help me emotionally. And then forevermore I’m sick of people drop it out of my life or moving too far for me to have genuine contact with them in person. Feel like I have severe abandonment issues and fears of rejection and failure and I also have a severe phobia of intimacy, but I am not asexual. I just find I have a really hard time opening up to people and really hard time trusting people and even then I’m not always interested in the men that take interest in me. I do have a mind of my own and often can’t stand at the men can’t take no for an answer when they make passes at me. I do have standards despite my low self-esteem. But there’s only one man that I’m genuinely in love with so it’s hard for me to be faithful with other men or two even want to get close to them. Because a lot of men genuinely annoy me. And I can’t stand men that lack intelligence. But I feel like the men that approach me are not the ones I am remotely interested in and I will lose interest in them really fast. Now there’s only one man like an ex of mine that always seems to spark my interest, but I’m sick of pushing him away because of my emotional problems and trust issues. Because I know the Ex of mine was genuinely good to me. And I also do this Ex of mine was much older than me. Like I have a serious age difference with him. But I think he’s the most understanding that I’ve ever seen an anyone before. And I feel like there’s a genuine chemistry with him. And I don’t think I easily connect with a lot of people. Being a genuine misfit and being highly and eccentric makes it very for people to fully understand me and to fully appreciate me. And I know that my Ex he had a lot in common with me. Even though I know in his age difference he’s old enough to be like a father to me and he acts like an other father to me and I know he genuinely cares about me and the only reason he left was because when you truly love someone you have to let them go. And I kept pushing him away and breaking his heart and I understood he keeps coming back though in his history. But it’s good being plenty of time to think about it. But I know in my heart I want him back. Because he made it so obvious he was in love with me. Just too many signs pointing towards and being genuinely in love with me. So I want to find a way to get back in contact with him. And I may he already trying to contact in hopes he will come back. Because I know he was emotionally supportive on a very deep level and he wouldn’t abandon me for having a negative thoughts about myself and he kept trying to push me, but I kept giving up on me. But when someone truly loves you they don’t give up on you just because you have negative thoughts and I don’t give up on you when you’re depressed or hurt or lonely or because you have a low self-esteem. But at this point I’m convinced if you ever does come back that I am willing to see a relationship counselor and a counselor for my emotional problems. But the relationship counselor would for both of us to help maintain Ur relationship. But I want professional counselors. And I just wish I knew way to get passed by low self-esteem and all of myself doubts and emotional agony I feel. I just wish my friend my own best friend was stop acting like I don’t want help. I just think the resources here in my small town are Limited and the counselors in this small town are not professional.

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