WARNING: s***** assault
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I was s******* assaulted. Didnt tell anyone. That night, when I came home I walked by my housemates, even held a short conversation before going to my bedroom. It took a few days to really hit me and not until now to call it what it was. R***. From an ex boyfriend I wanted to be a part of my life again because i missed him, but rather than friendship he wanted more than I will willing to give. I didnt say no, didnt physically fight back. I froze, the word “stop” was stuck on repeat in my head but i could not move my lips to say it. Looking back now I was too scared to say “no”, or “stop” in case he continued. Didnt, and couldnt, fight back. He had a good 100 pounds on me not to mention a major height difference. He was muscle where as I am just bone and didnt want to cause further injury. I would have felt more sure of what it was and would be harder to deny it to myself if I fought back. I was crying shortly into it, I was dry and sometimes my body tightens up even while getting intimate with a partner I am comfortable with, form of self defense. This is not the first time I’ve been violated. He shoved it in and I felt a tear. He continued and when he saw me crying he looked at my face. The last clear memory of it I have is how cold and just dead his eyes were. He told me to stop crying and to just relax, enjoy it. Time stopped existing, theres only now before him and after him. After he was done I dressed myself and he drove me home in silence. A part of me hoped he would give me a kiss before I got out so in some way I could convince myself I wanted it and that he actually cared about me. He didnt and the main part of me was more than okay with that as I never wanted to see him again, let alone be touched. The next day I went to work, ignoring the pain that stayed between my legs for a few days. By the end of the week I had relapsed and it started a 2 month long drug binge (meth). I am in a relationship now (and no longer using) and he knows the censored version, more censored than this. Does not know about the recent drug abuse. I keep acting as if im not bothered by it; although throughout our relationship, especially the beginning, I would freeze any time he tried to touch me in a more intimate place. He didnt understand why I cried one night when he tried touching me and when I pulled away, he asked what was wrong and I burst into tears. He is gentle with me, if I show any sign of discomfort he stops. Asks before he does anything. Now he is the first person I have been intimate with since what happened yet I cant talk to him about it. I constantly say I’m fine, but I’m filling up with so much anger more as time goes on that I am ready to burst. I dont know how to tell someone that I’m being weighed down by something that constantly reminds me how dirty I am, and how my body never has and never will belong to me. How do you say “i cant do this anymore” without them being scared for your safety? I just want to speak without scaring him. Without scaring myself by hearing my own thoughts, they sound different outside my head. To the guy who betrayed my trust and stole my own body from me, f*** you. F*** you for going on in your life, for doing great things. F*** you for thinking I was just some groupie you could f*** with all because you’re getting “fame”. F*** you for being able to move on in your life while I’m still frozen at the exact moment you ripped my legs apart. F*** you for making me scared to go outside in case I see your car drive by. F*** you for making me too scared to live. F*** you for making me have a guilty hand in this. He has a career that gets a lot of females attention, making it easier for him to pick girls to harm. I dont know if I was the first. I do know for sure I wont ever be able to forgive myself if I wasnt the last. I couldnt report it, couldnt. I’m sorry to any girls who stumble in his direction, run the other way. I couldnt subject myself to that, them saying I “asked for it” cause we have a history or that I’m making it up to try to ruin him. I’m sorry

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