I am a young teen how just turned 18. Before I did I thought long and hard about my life and felt aches and pains even sadness to see my life in 3rd person. I have very little friends only two that actually call me once in a while. One of them is an egotistical guy who has called me pathetic and thinks little of me. I only made friends with him because I felt that I did not desercve more than this idiot for a friend. This last thought I just figured out a few days ago when I thought of my friendship with this guy. The other friend is a girl who is beautiful but is timid and doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Although she is very smart she fails to get over her fear of socializing. I myself have this fear inbeded in me. I feel sorry for myself knowing that I have such few personal friends. I have everything I need. My cousins have told me I have a great personality and a great sense of humor and if you got to know me you would see that it is very difficult to see my fear. For years I have learned how to hide my fear from the view of anyone. I find that girls of my age have crushes on me. I hate as they go away because I can become a friend. Once I try to become more than a friend my fear takes over and I retreat into the easy and continue my misery. I have so many dreams and ambitions but I find I accomplish little of what I dream of. I find that I am missing affection and at a chance to give away my feelings I am temped to give them up and rely emotionaly to that person. I haven’t given anyone my emotions but the urge becomes more and more powerful each time and my reason is soon to give up and loose its grip on my feelings. I find that I have difficulty giving affection to anyone. Even a prolongued look in the eye is often uncomfortable for me. I wish I had a spiritual master…………
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It sounds like you just need to jump in. Cliche, though it may be, you have to take that first jump, risk it all. Sitting there holding everything in, being closed inside a shell like that wont do anything. If your afraid of being hurt, good. You probably will be, but you will also find a lot of happiness out there.
What’s the deal with this shy beautiful friend of yours? Have you ever thought about becoming more than friends? It seems like it might benefit both of you.