21-09-09(1:44:26)

It all started july, last year. i was interning at a language center, there when i crushed on m. a teacher there, and just before confessing everything, i am a 17 year old girl. so anyhow, i crushed madly on m. he’s 23 years old. after a while, i told him, or i guess he knew anyway, because i was obvious and i am a person who doesn’t know how to hide her feelings and emotions!!. when he knew, he didn’t really do anything about it, wasn’t interested i must say, but we kept talking and chatting online just like friends, we were pretty close. then comes august, september, then goes october, i somehow also crushed on l. (m.’s younger brother!) l. was also working in the same center and we were friends as well. early october, i traveled and saw my step cousin, so we aren’t blood related, he is 7 months older than me, so not much. we saw each other after all of these years (10 years probably) and he looked really handsome. i was shocked! so then when i got back to my country, i looked him up on facebook, and found him! so i added him and sent him a message saying that let’s get in touch and all. so that happened, and a little more!! days passing and it was all okay, we were chatting like friends, really close ones. one day, he says ” Girl i like you, i really do”. and there came the bigger shock! i didn’t expect that at all! and the sad thing that i didn’t have feelings for him at all, so i just told him to wait so i can think about it, because he obviously asked me to be his girlfriend (in a long distance relationship ). a couple of days later he asked me the question again, and again i told him to just wait, i can’t make such a decision that quick. then he got all upset and he was like “tell me now or just forget me forever”, i didn’t want to lose him, so i said yes! but the feelings weren’t true, and he knew so but liked the idea of me being his girl anyways. however, we kept fighting a lot, and over the silliest things. then one day, i was really down because i was s******* harassed by a lesbian girl in my school (she bit my neck!! ew ). he felt there was something wrong with me, so he asked me to tell him what was bothering me, and i told him the whole story, he’s my boyfriend after all, and i really liked him anyways (in a best friend way ). so when he heard the story, his reaction was …”lol”!! now what the hell? i swear i was about to cry and when he laughed my eyes went all teary, then he started to make fun of the situation that i had and laughing his *** about it. it really surprised me because i was serious and he wasn’t, so then my tears dropped, and when i told him that i was crying he was again making fun of me and the lesbian girl. i was so pissed and just broke up with him immediately. in the same time, i was talking with l. and he told me that he knows that i was crushing on him and i couldn’t deny that fact, so i said yes knowing that he was in an open relationship. the next day, i was talking with l. just randomly, then out of nowhere he asked me to be his girlfriend, my jaw dropped to the floor! of course i said yes! i was so happy about it. it was also right on his birthday, so i felt really special somehow. day by day, i liked l. more and more, and still was crushing on his brother m. somehow! so passing the days into november, the conversations between m. and i were getting a little bit intimate somehow, and we started to flirt each other without l. knowing. but with all that m. didn’t want to be in a relationship anyways. so he didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend and also he didn’t know that i was his brother’s girlfriend (l. didn’t want m. to know for some reasons, they hate each other !) so anyways, it kept happening, flirtations with l.’s brother and in a relationship with l. himself, it was so complicated, i don’t know how my consciousness let me do that honestly. goes november, december, then comes january 2009. again my family and i visited my step family and traveled to **** (they live abroad). so i saw my step cousin again, after we haven’t talked for about 3-4 months. his eyes were so dreamy looking at me. we always kept smiling when we saw each other, (we stayed in their house for 3 days – the weekend). one day, i was upstairs just listening to music on my ipod, no one was upstairs. out of nowhere, i saw my step cousin in the living room setting on the couch in the dark! the door of the living room was open, so i just saw him when i turned my head towards that room. i saw him looking at me and smiling, my heart went racing and i just simply smiled back, then we kept glancing at each other every now and then. after a while, he asked me to go to him for a little bit. he whispered, “psst, come here” and i just went there, then i was like “what?” then he stood up and asked me, “haven’t you always been waiting to just hug me tight?” i giggled and said “oh yes, but it’s okay!”. then he just hugged me tight, i didn’t push him because it honestly felt so good, (and he was the first guy i ever hug by the way ) i just smiled and hugged him back. my heart went crazy at that moment. then when he let go of me, he actually asked ” ***** can i kiss you?”!! i was like what the hell? lol! but that was between me and myself! then i just said, “where?”, he said “your sweet lips” then i was surprised and said “no, sorry” (by then he didn’t know i had a boyfriend already.) . he responded “oh, okay … how about your cheek? please?” then i awkwardly looked into his eyes with a “wtf?” look and just said “okay”. he reached to me and kissed my cheek, it felt nice i must say, then suddenly he reached to my lips and kissed them so damn passionately, that was my very first kiss ever, it was so perfect, i wasn’t thinking about my boyfriend back in my country, i just forgot everything and felt like flying, i kissed him back. then we heard someone coming, i went downstairs, and he hurried to his bedroom. the next day, he texted me, asking me to go downstairs at 4 am and i blindly did. we had the most amazing “make-out” ever! after that day, i headed back to my country and kept what happened there a secret from my boyfriend. and we just kept talking normally, mean while, i got back to my step cousin and i was his girlfriend too! i felt like living a doubled life and it wasn’t a good feeling at all, i couldn’t stand it and i just told my boyfriend l. that i cheated on him! he was so shocked and heartbroken. i didn’t know what to do or say, then he decided to give me another chance and forgave me. however, one day he found out that i had another bf and so my step cousin also knew about l. then the three of us got into a conference chat and they kept fighting for me and each one saying they wanted me, but then my step cousin said that he wanted me happy and he let me go to l. so he kind of gave up on me. then i just asked them to give me some time to think about, and they did. then i went to both of them and told them that i chose them!!i was so greedy and i wanted them both. this time i managed to keep both of them mine without anyone of them knowing about the other, however one day, l. saw his brother’s m. mobile and saw a text from me to him saying i wish i could cuddle with him and all. he was very pissed and wanted to break up with me, then i kept begging him not to do so and told him that the message was old and i was stupid, i kept apologizing. and m. and i truly had a huge fight after a couple of weeks about some issues and i never talked to him afterwards. after 2 weeks, l. forgave me again. later on, my step cousin told me that his neighbor is in love with him, and i got extremely jealous and i fought for him with her ( he liked her too!) but i won the fight! and i got both l. and my step cousin for me. then after a while, i lost contact of my step cousin and we just broke up again. then it was just me and l. i finally felt comfortable and in peace. may 2009, one day and all of a sudden, l. tells me he never fell in love with me in the first place, he told me that the day before my final exam. i was shocked and i couldn’t study well, my world turned upside down and i hated him so bad. i ended it. three weeks later, he called me asking me to forgive him and just give him another chance, i said no at first but then he kept begging, then i agreed, he asked me to meet him somewhere and i did. he said he just wanted to talk nothing else. then when i saw him, we talked, talked and talked, then he asked me to be his girlfriend again. i was silent for a moment, then i said “no, i can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me as he said he does” he looked to the floor and actually cried. i felt bad for him, but i stuck to my answer. then he leaned to my face and kissed me! i felt too numb to push him away, so i kissed him back. and we made out, and got back together. he changed a lot for me and he became a better man, i truly appreciated him and loved him a lot, but obviously he didn’t love me back, but he did like me a lot, he just didn’t fall in love with me just yet!. late july, 2009, it was the summer and my family and i traveled and again, of course i saw my step cousin, we lived in a flat above theirs in that country, we rented 2 flats. this time we stayed for a whole month. four days after our arrival, my step cousin and i got back together again! and we made out again all of that without l. knowing. then the other day i was talking with l. on the phone, and i seriously felt like he was my best friend not lover, because i guess we lost the passion somehow. so he felt that there was something wrong, and he asked me about it, i just told him “honestly, this isn’t feeling right, i seriously feel like you are my best friend not lover, i don’t know, i really love you as my friend” that’s when he got really upset, and those feelings were true, my feelings for him kept vanishing somehow, that’s when i knew i didn’t fall in love with him because if it was love it wouldn’t have just vanished like that. i think that just was major crush or “likeness”! so we broke up (l. and i). now i was left with one boyfriend finally, with my step cousin. since then, i really love him, or i must say like him too much because i don’t think i know what love is, not just yet! i lost contact of l. of course, and i really committed to my step cousin this time, i deleted every guy on my facebook and messenger. i just finally felt loyal and faithful. early september till this day (21st september) i didn’t hear much from my step cousin, it’s like he just disappeared. i tried everything to get in touch with him, but it’s not working. i wonder why.. now, i am just having a little patience and staying loyal and faithful to him.

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